I stopped smoking about three years ago. It was one of the few good decisions I’ve made in my life and, since that day, I haven’t missed cigarettes at all. Seriously – there isn’t a joke coming. I don’t miss them. I didn’t miss them the first day I stopped and I still don’t.

Let me provide a small bit of context to give you some feeling for the depth of my addiction. I was the person who had three cigarettes before getting out of bed. I was that disgusting bastard (or interesting, balanced, well-rounded individual, depending on your outlook) who used to wake up at four in the morning and hobble downstairs for a coffee and a smoke. I used to say, Hey! It’s time for a delicious, fibre-rich, vitamin-packed cigarette, bursting with all the essential nutrients and vitamins essential for daily health and vitality.

I fucking loved them.

If you’re a serious smoker, you’ll recognise this. You know when you have a cigarette on the go, and the idea comes into your mind: Jesus, I’d love a smoke. So you do!! You light up another while the first one is burning away in the ashtray. I’m that soldier and I understand your experience. But I don’t do it anymore. I don’t smoke.

Why am I telling you this? Very good question. I don’t give a shit if you smoke or not. It’s your problem. I’m only telling you this because it was the first thing that came into my mind, but it is actually true. I was the worst smoker in the world, and I stopped with no ill effects at all. Send me a million euro and I’ll tell you the secret.

No. Fuck off Allen Carr. I’m going to tell you the secret for nothing. Do you want to be a non-smoker? Right, then. Here’s the secret. Don’t buy them and don’t light them. Before you know it, you’ll be a non-smoker too.

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