Blessings

 Posted by on April 12, 2006  Add comments
Apr 122006
 

I knew it. Sooner or later I knew one of my ideas was going to make me wealthy beyond man’s imagination, and now at last, the time has come. I hope everybody heard the news of Mayo County Council’s groundbreaking initiative to reduce the number of car crashes. Are they going to realign every dangerous bend in the county? No. Better than that. Are they going to replace all narrow roads with brand new twelve-lane super-highways? No. Even better. Are they going to issue the entire population of Mayo with levitating self-guiding Flash Gordon-type sky pods? Close.

They’re going to bless the roads.

One more time, now. You didn’t read it wrong.

They’re going to bless the roads.

Look at the date on this. It isn’t the 1st of April. Mayo County Council are going to bless the fucking roads in an effort to reduce accidents. What a great idea. You know what I was thinking? While they’re at it, why bother with all those expensive water treatment plants? Why not just bless the drinking water, wipe out all the bugs through the power of Jesus. Same thing goes for the sewage treatment plants. Bless all the sewage, and what have you got? Holy Shit of course – what else? They needn’t stop there. Anyone who comes in looking for a house could be sent away with a blessing. They’d still have no house, but they’d feel a lot better about it.

This is where I’m about to get rich. You see, they only have a small number of padres at the moment to do this work, although no doubt they’ve already started the recruitment process. Let me just go off to their web site for a minute and have a look to see if there’s an ad for staff yet.

Yep, there it is

Mayo County Council

seeks applications for the positions of

Assistant Priest
Executive Priest
Senior Executive Priest

The successful applicants will be self-motivated, will have good people skills and will be able to plan and execute a county-wide strategy for infrastructure-blessing, going forward.

Applications should, in the first instance be made to blah blah blah

I’m ahead of the game though. Even with this priest squad, it will take a long time to get around all the roads, sewage treatment plants and waterworks. Remember I told you about my mobile consecrator? Well, even as we speak, my technicians are at work deep in the caverns below the Bockschloss, making all the necessary modifications to the new prototype. Once complete, it will be capable of high-speed blessing while being towed behind a truck at 100kph. It will also be able to bless the roads simultaneously in the name of all major deities currently in use. A true multi-tasking consecrator. I understand that a manually-applied blessing stays on the surface of the road and rapidly loses its sanctity because it gets worn away by traffic. My research shows that the consecrator’s rays will penetrate the road to a depth of 15 millimetres, making for a longer-lasting and all-round better benediction. This will save Mayo County Council a lot of money, and I’m sure they’ll be in contact very soon with an offer. I’m also quite certain that every other Council in the country will want my help.

A military version is now under test in Eye-rack, but at the moment only issues maledictions in the name of Allah. Death to you!!

________________

Also

 

Graveyards

Curses

  2 Responses to “Blessings”

Comments (2)
  1.  

    Bok,

    Blessing the roads!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Clearly the inmates have taken over the asylum.

    Good luck with “cornering” the market with your blessing device.

    QJS

  2.  

    There’s nothing new in this.

    Remember the old ejaculation “Mayó God help us!

    There is a vatican approved blessing for everything, almost. Look them up. They have to compose them to keep pace with modern inventions. Here is an extract from the one they composed for the trains in the 1850/60s – from the Irish Ecclesiastical Record 1865, Vol. I. P.146:

    Benedictio Viae Ferreae et Curuum

    .. Omnipotens sempiterne Deus, … dum famuli tui velociter properant in via, in lege tua ambulantes, et viam mandatorum tuorum currentes, ad coelestam patriam feliciter pervenire valeant.

    No going off the rails here!

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