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Hyperzenchef demands murder

The demands from Hyperzenchef are becoming more urgent by the day. Here’s some samples:

1. Can you do something about Ryan Fuckhead Tubridy, he’s an annoying cunt?

2. I accidentally heard the start of smelly cunthead’s so called fucking radio show . It rrrrrrruined the rest of my almost perfect fucking day, send me the cunt’s severed head on a stick, I will pay for the fucking postage, I have now to go and fucking meditate in my local temple for 4 fucking hours so I can become one with the cuntin universe. Dont let this happen again!

3. You had to do it didn’t you. Just when I decided to put my sniper rifle away and climb down from the dome of the Kyoto Tower, without killing a single fuckin chink. Between the heat, the fuckin insufferable humidity, the unbearable Ryan cunthead Tubridy, you had to remind me of that shit-licking, arsecrawling, snivelling, obsequious pile-sucking Myles Dunghead. Now you got me started. Back to the Kyoto Tower no fuckin prisoners.

So there you have it. In Kyoto, they hate the same wankers I do.

I’ve decided to have Tubridy killed, but I won’t do it myself because it would be a messy business, without question. I’d imagine any murder would be messy, involving shit and blood and possibly injury to oneself, and so therefore I think the best man for the job is Limehouse Dick. I’ll tie a message to my fastest pigeon and before you can say ” ‘Ang abaht, guv!”, Limehouse Dick will be at my bedroom window, clinging to the ivy, awaiting instruction.

Take out that Tubridy cocksucker, I’ll say. And while you’re at it, dispose of that Dungan arsehole.

Limehouse Dick is as solid as . . . as . . . well, as a rock, I suppose, if you think a rock is solid. I mean, when you take a more global view of rock, from a geological viewpoint, it actually seems to behave very much like a liquid. Solidity, it seems, is more a matter of timescale than actuality, so maybe I should say that Limehouse Dick is as solid as something very solid indeed. As solid as Garda Joan Gallagher’s arse.

Anyhow, these philosophical considerations are not the sort of thing to trouble Limehouse Dick unduly. He’ll go out and murder the motherfuckers. Did you see the money these wasters are getting paid? Did you? Isn’t it incredible? Pat Kenny, the Plank, is getting nearly a million a year. A million euros??? Can you believe that? For being a total fucking arsehole. And meanwhile, they have the neck to put these threatening ads on the radio, intimidating me into paying a TV licence. Why the fuck should anyone pay a TV licence when the only beneficiary of it – RTE – is simultaneously abandoning its public-service remit, and paying its cronies nearly a million a year? How much is a licence fee? I think it’s about 200 euros. Imagine that – 200 euros. How long would the average Joe have to work to earn that, after tax? Say, for argument’s sake before-tax income might be about 250. It’s probably more, but let’s go with that. 250. As the average industrial wage is 29,000 euros, it means that your ordinary worker has to slog three full days to earn this money.

OK. Now, how many licence fees does it take to pay Pat Kenny? I make it 3,600. So here you have 3,600 grunts, each working three full days to pay the wages of one puffed-up, self-important gobshite. Or thirty people working full time to pay for him. Is Pat Kenny worth the labour of thirty people? You decide.

Tubridy, I think, has about ten people working full time to sustain his flow of vapid nonsense. Fuck it, I could do that: talking shite for huge money, except I don’t live in D4 and therefore will never be invited to do so, at the licence-payer’s expense.

I see in the paper where New Orleans is suffering from a wave of transvestite-related crime. It seems this gang of six-foot-plus black cross-dressers is terrorising local businesses, and they even raided Las Vegas, shoplifting. They’re fearless, as you would be if you’re six-five, dress or no dress, and once they put their eye on some item, they must have it, just like regular gals.

I wonder would they be interested in taking out Tubridy?

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