I never thought I’d be saying this, but really, the Catholics aren’t too bad, are they? At least they don’t lose their minds every time somebody someplace thinks something bad about them. They don’t run around burning effigies and smacking themselves on the head with a fucking machete.
What’s the deal with these Muslims? OK, I know Pope Ratzo made some very offensive remarks, though you couldn’t call them ill-considered, coming as they did from the former chief of the Holy Inquisition. But still, come on! Grow up, lads. Get a life. Also, admittedly, Ratzo made comments about the use of violence to propagate religion, and admittedly he confined his remarks to Islam, seeming for some reason to overlook, for example, the genocides perpetrated by the Crusaders in the name of Christianity. That is true. He did. But after all, he’s an old man, and his brain is tired from years of running the Holy Inquisition (These days, of course, no longer torturing people with the Rack, and the Boot or the Iron Maiden, but perhaps silencing them in more subtle ways). Admittedly, he also overlooked the more recent attempted genocides by the Catholic ruling faction in Croatia during WWII, but again, he’s an old man, and anyway he was too busy in WWII shooting down Allied bombers. Wasn’t he? We must do a piece on the Waffen SS some time, out of interest. Whatever the truth of it, the Holy Father somehow seems to notice only Islamic violence, which is a bit unfortunate, you have to admit, but still, why the long face?
Suddenly they’re burning effigies in Pakistan. What the fuck is that? Does the word go out across the Muslim world – burn a fucking effigy!!
If you were offended by something, would you just happen to have a spare effigy somewhere about the house, ready for burning? Get me down the effigy there, Martha. It’s time for a burnin’!
What the fuck is that? Do Islamic homes have a sign in the hallway, like the instructions on a bus? In case of offence, burn effigy?
Some guy published a few cartoons, none of which was particularly insulting, and the next thing we knew they were out on the streets killing people, and trampling each other to death. What?? Do you think Christians would be trampling each other to death because of something Gary Larsen said? Are you mad? Or the Life of Brian? No? That’s right: no. Here in Ireland, they did actually ban the Life of Brian for a while, but that was because in those days the country was still run by the Catholic Taliban. They’re all gone now of course. These days they’re too busy running their private clinics, and have no time to worry about religion.
Imagine what would happen to Bock if Jesus was a Muslim. That would be the end of my Action Redeemer range of toys. There would be no Crucifixion Kit for Boys in the Christmas stocking this year. No Slaughter of the Innocents X-Box game. What would become of my blockbuster movie, Resurrection Payback, coming soon to a cinema near you, starring Vin Diesel as Jesus. All gone. It would be just myself and Salman Rushdie holed up in a cave near Kilfenora, with no hope of mercy.
Not so bad, Salman. I read that book of yours, Midnight’s Children.
Did ya, Bock?
I did, Salman. I thought you were a bit hard on Mrs Gandhi, now. A bit hard, Salman, if ya don’t mind me sayin’ it.
Not at all Bock. I read your blog too.
Did ya, Salman?
I did, Bock. ‘Twas shite.
There’s a lot I admire about true Islam. For instance, its tolerance towards other faiths. Its absolute prohibition on violence against innocent people.
Hmmm. Not a lot of real Muslims around then – just like Christians.
Imagine being a dead Muslim