Registered post

You know those little forms the postman leaves when he can’t deliver something? They mean only one thing – trouble. In my case, they mean another visit to court because I couldn’t be bothered to pay the Corporation their stupid fucking parking fines, and eventually they send me a summons, and I go to court, and I say very sorry Judge, it was all my fault, and I should have dealt with it and I have no excuse, and I apologise to the court. And the judge looks at me, and he says thank you Mr Bock, and then he imposes a fine which is about a tenth of what the Corpo are looking for, and anyway I don’t pay that fine either and that’s the end of it. For a while.

Well, there was one of them waiting for me yesterday, and so I took it down to the GPO to collect my summons. When you hand these guys your little slip, they know why you’re there, and when they come back with your registered letter, they always make the same stupid fucking joke: Ha! Maybe you’re better off without this. Ha? Ha, fucking ha. I handed the cocksucker my little slip, and because he knows me by now, he didn’t bother to wait. He said Ha! Maybe you’re better off without this. Ha?

He went away.

He came back with a long, cylindrical object.

Sign here. I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

Thanks, I said. And fuck you!

It was what? Was it a long, cylindrical summons? Of course it wasn’t! It was a Japanese wood-saw. From Japan. A saw. A Japanese saw for cutting wood, sent to me by my friend in Japan, Hyperzenchef.

In his note, HZC explained that the saw cuts on the pull stroke, that his carpenter friend, an ex-Marine, told him to explain that I should let the blade do the work, but most of all that I should read the instructions.

I will. I’ll certainly read the instructions after I learn to read Japanese, but until then, I’ll just have to get by as best I can. Anyway, I have no plans to use it for anything dangerous. All I intend to do with it is kill traffic wardens.

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