Don’t jump!

I was strolling down to my favourite pub tonight, as you do, minding my own business, with the headphones on, listening to the latest Arab Strap album. Wondering if these guys realise what an Arab strap actually does, and all that kind of stuff. Wondering if maybe Belle and Sebastian have a better deal here. Wondering who gives a bollocks. Thinking back to the great days of the Harvest Ministers.

When all of a sudden I look up, towards the architectural turd that replaced the wonderful Lyric Cinema. A plastic excrescence masquerading as a building. A piece of shite with windows, out of which is hanging a skobe, as if he intends to top himself by falling with a splat on the concrete below him.

Far be it from me to stop a skobe ending his life. Good luck, Boss, and off you go. I think back to Derek and Clive Live. Jump, you fucker, jump! And then I think forward. My pint! If this bastard jumps, that’s the end of my pint. I’m bolloxed. There will be guards taking statements. There will be State Pathologists. There will be investigations. There will be fucking trouble for me, and I won’t get a pint. Not good.

My reflexes are legendary, as is my ability to sum up a situation. Don’t jump! I shouted.

The skobe recoiled into his miserable lair, giving me enough time to draw my weapon.

Blam!! The .44 Magnum spoke. Blam!! Blam!! Blam!!! Chunks of plaster spun off the wall and the skobe danced his final spasm as my bullets tore through him. Blam!! I blasted him one last time before re-holstering my revolver.

This was one pint I didn’t intend to miss.

6 replies on “Don’t jump!”

You should have let him jump, not only would you have finished your pint and a couple more before the gardai arrived, you wasted valuble bullets on the filthy turd.

Top blog BTW, glad I found it takes the seriousness out of Limerick and a bit of humour is always a good thing.

Splendid job there Bock,a pint well earned I’d say.Kudos for your stylish method of dispatching the skobe also.
A lovely understated piece of kit is the .44.It’s only drawback is it’s weight.Plays buggery fuck with my handbags.

now that I think of it I never did get a fuckin christmas drink in Paddy Mullanes .Fuckin tight cunt.

Indeed, Hyperzenchef. How very true. I found myself nodding in agreement with your comments.

But what are you talking about?


If the .44 Magnum fucks up your handbag – and I could well understand how it might – why not try something more tailored? I understand that Prada do an exquisite range of AK47s in the shape of a prosthetic arm. These are elegant, comfortable and, for the budget-conscious, they won’t break the bank!

now that I think of it I never did get a fuckin christmas drink in Paddy Mullanes .Fuckin tight cunt.

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