I’m a modest soul, and I don’t like to beat my own drum too loudly in case people would think I was being conceited. But at the same time, you’d have to agree that my genius has given the world some wonderful inventions.
For instance, I’ve just finished developing a revolutionary new breakfast food which is basically a biscuit made by grinding up a mixture of beef, pork, ostrich, horse, crocodile and bread.
Watch out for it in the shops: it’s called Meatabix.
Older readers, however, will remember my earlier inventions such as the Muslim prayer-compass for finding magnetic Mecca,which was very useful for adeherents to the Magnetic Muslim faith. However, now we know for sure that Ratzo is going to Turkey, it’s time to unveil the full military version of the Mobile Desecrator, which has been under development for several months.
After six months testing in Iraq, I now have a fully-operational military version available. It fires curses sideways at high speed and rotates between all known beliefs and tongues, so that no matter what fucking lunatic is attacking you, he’s going to be cursed comprehensively in his own religion and language.
As you know, Ratzo broke into my bedroom a while back in an attempt to gain control of this technology, but he failed, and now the Vatican has had to buy my weapon under licence. There’s a high-powered version fitted to the chassis of the Popemobile, my technicians are currently fitting an airborne version to the Papal Boeing, and an elite squad from the Sisters of Mercy special operations branch is being trained to operate it.
I’m telling you now, they better not fuck with Ratzo over there in Turkey, or they’ll get the cursing full blast, and then they’ll be sorry, I can tell you.