I Hate Duncan Stewart

All home improvement programmes are terrible, but Irish ones just seem to go one step further in awfulness, for some reason, and I can’t figure out why. Is it because they come from RTE-land. Is that it? Maybe that’s the reason Irish home-improvement programmes are shite.

What the fuck is going on in RTE-land, anyway, and indeed what the fuck is going on in media-land as a whole? You can’t open a paper or turn on the telly without some twat telling you about the latest Flinkenberger cooker for 18,000 euros, or a door-mat for only three grand.

So, tell me Sorcha, how much was that divine fitting you have on the wall, there – what do you call it? Mm-hmmm?

That’s called a shelf, Fiachra, and you can get them now in the Shelf Shop in Dalkey for only nine hundred euros.

Only nine hundred, Sorcha? Isn’t that great?

Isn’t it, Fiachra? Just great, and it’s solid chipboard, y’know?

Really Sorcha?

Oh yes, Fiachra. But if you really want to splurge, why not call to Ankkinhainenanenenanenakkuinheainens Interiors in Blackrock?

Ankkinhainenanenenanenakkuinheainens you say?

That’s right, Fiachra. Ankkinhainenanenenanenakkuinheainens of Blackrock. They do the latest in Finnish shelf design. For only twelve hundred euros, you can get a shelf nearly two feet long and it’s made almost entirely of real wood!

Get away, Sorcha!

No, Fiachra. It’s true!

That’s the kind of shite we have to put up with night and day lately, but the worst wanker of them all has to be Duncan Stewart.

I made the mistake of switching on the telly this evening before heading out to my pub of choice, and there he was, the smarmy git, slithering into somebody’s half-built house with all his slimy blather.

Oh, hello there, Declan and Nuala. Is the kettle on?

Ah!, shout the two stiffs, obviously terrified, Hello Duncan. We didn’t see ya comin’.

(Which, you have to admit, is fucking incredible, considering he brought an entire television crew in two forty-foot articulated trucks).

So tell me, Nuala, says Duncan, what have you done since our last visit?

Now that’s an opportunity for most sane people to reply, Well we got rid of you for a start, Duncan, you mad cunt.

But no. Instead, they show the mad bastard around their half-finished house while he points out things that would be painfully obvious to a retarded underpants.

Ah, right, Declan. That’s the roof, isn’t it?

‘Tis, Duncan, you daft bastard.

And Nuala, if I’m not mistaken, that’s the floor. Good choice of location for a floor, Nuala. Down low. Very good.

That’s right, Duncan, you insane fucker. When are you going to fuck off out of our half-built house?


That wouldn’t be too bad, if he’d just leave it with the tea and the bikkies and Declan and Nuala and all that shit, but no. He can’t. Instead, he had to have a make-over.

Aw fuck off, you’re joking!

I’m fucking not. I wish I was.

More Dublin fuckers. Come here a minute: is everybody in Dublin paid about forty-two times the wages of the rest of the country? I only ask that because firstly, RTE is concerned only with Dublin people (I know some of the rest of us pay the TV licence, but when has that ever been an issue?) and secondly, it seems to me from watching these programmes that everybody has a favourite little place in Dun Laoghaire where you can pick up a piece of ORT for about twice my annual salary.

Oh dear God!!

Tonight, they had two designers doing a make-over of a high-end property. (Note to outside-Dublin-people: a high-end property in Dublin is anything with its own toilet and more than one bedroom).

The guy was as gay as a badger, which is ok with me, except to ask, are there any straight interior designers in RTE-land? Never mind. He was a nice enough guy, and I liked what he did with the house.

The girl was going to do a house based on Feng Shui.


What the fuck is this Feng Shui thing? Question number uno. Why do these fuckers insist on saying Feng Shway? Why? If the Chinese pronounce if Feng Shway, why do we write it to rhyme with Chop Suey? The Chinese don’t write Feng Shui. We do.

Anyway, this woman is laying out chairs and tables , and you know, I can agree with a lot of the principles of Feng Shui. I don’t much like clutter either, though it takes me several years to tidy any room that’s gone a bit messy. So there we are laying the whole thing out nice and easy and airy and feelgood, until the woman utters the dreaded E-word.

Shock. Anger. Offence.

What might the E-word be?

What? Oh, sorry. That word is energy.

They say “energy” like they know what they’re talking about. Even worse, they say “energies”.

Your woman says, Oh, I like to choose different woods for the different units: it helps to offset the energies of the room.

Eh? Explain that. Define energies you empty-headed, superficial twit.

Wasting your time asking. These gobshites have no idea what they’re talking about.

And then the big poncing gobshite Duncan chimes in:

The energy of the room.

There they are, all dressed in reflective jackets and helmets like they’re building the Eiffel Tower, and what are they really doing? Decorating a house, that’s all. Decorating a fucking house!

That’s RTE-land for you

25 thoughts on “I Hate Duncan Stewart

  1. bock you uncivilised cunt,Duncon stewart is one of the great Irish men living allongside ryan cunthead tubridy, and the great reki master Joe” I know I sound like a wanker but ireally am” Duffy

  2. Phew, thanks a mil Bock, you’ve reassured me that the telly I’ve not been watching is actually not worth watching. One gets doubts, you know. Because I’m in the, ahem, ‘target demographic’ as they say in TV-land. Every now and then a sneaking anxiety creeps in… did I miss something? NO I DID NOT! I can continue happily wasting my time not being advertised at, or having sponsored images pulsating at me..

  3. I think you’ve convieniently left out some of Duncan’s finer points most notably his stance on Carbon Monoxide – the Silent Killer – which, on average claims more Irish lives than drunk driving and Al Queda combined.

    Personally I feel safe knowing that he’s out there, creeping from house to house checking out our pipes and making sure they’re not blocked in some way.

    “check them when you’ve had builders in” – I’m sure you do Duncan, I’m sure you do.

  4. Wha? Where’s my comment Bock? I sent you a great wan yesterday. The best comment I ever wrote in my whole life.

  5. Kave:

    There’s a very simple answer to that. If you have a look at the Captain Kirk post, you’ll see your comment there, because that’s where you sent it.


  6. OK. All stop laughing now. This is what Kav wrote, and he’s right. It is a very good comment, which deserves better than to be filed under Captain Kirk.

    An ex-byefrind of my sister’s absolutely loves that twat, and for his 21st she framed a photo of him (Duncan) and got someone to sign it
    “Dear XXXXXX,

    Good man on being my number one fan! Lots of love,


    She gave it to him on the night of his 21st (everyone else was in on the joke), and his eyes teared up when he saw it. She then felt too guilty to tell him it was all a cod, so he went around for about a week showing off his autographed photo of that oul plank.

    “Now is this a, for example, photograph, Maura?”

    “Tis Duncan.”

    The gobshite.

  7. Kieran:

    I’d say you could find them in any town full of useless snobs with more money than sense.

  8. Duncan is the biggest bullshitter I have ever had the displeasure to listen to. Thats all I have to say.

  9. Just for fun, I got an encyclopedia of Feng Shui, and did the absolute opposite of everything it recommended when furnishing my bedroom. I got one wall painted bright red and put a mirror up (big no-nos).

    Yet I sleep soundly, and every girl I brought in has had screaming orgasms and subsequently slept soundly. Unfortunately, this does not happen too frequently, and when I can’t use orgasms to sleep better I tend to rely on prescribed Xanax a lot, so maybe I can’t be totally objective on the issue until I kick the Xanax

  10. Duncan Stewart has just announced that he would seriously have to consider leaving Ireland if we voted “no” to Lisbon two! If he really wanted to get it passed I suggest he hunker down somewhere with one of those yellow hats until after the referendum. Where else would he find a job in the EU that would allow him to pontificate on the benefits of having your house south facing or stuffing sheep’s wool between the rafters in your attic. Duncan would leave Ireland, well that’s another reason for me to vote no!

  11. I await someone announcing they’re voting “no” because it rains in Ireland.

    No wonder Joe Duffy has so many listeners.

  12. What’s wrong with being called Fiachra?

    Better than being a poxbottle pretentious arsehole product-placement ad-felching Duncan Stewart.

    He should travel, titillate and terminate – or fuck off and die!

  13. Hey Bock,
    I’ve just searched The dunkoon fekker and discovered your excellent page as a newbie.
    Firstly, I agree with your observations on ‘well – it looks like a house/ wall/floor etc etc.
    Secondly, you seem to be confusing the box in the corner of your camper teepee thingy with some sort of reality hole.
    Its not, its an LCD generator so get real.
    Good luckkkk

  14. I can understand a lot of the criticism as the usual crap that comes from the great unwashed in total ignorance.. Note all of it is hidden behind anonmity, no one puts a name to it so we can’t see what kind of lowlife they are.
    OK, if you don’t like him fair enough, change channels. Do you think you can/know better?. Form a company and make your really interesting shite.
    I admire him, I respect him, I have worked with him, He irratates the hell out of me but he contributes positively and a lot more than you little nobodys. Peter.

  15. twas the biddies that caused most households to go bust with their big houses n expensive kitchens just to impress their female friends while the fools that married em worked n worked n worked to pay for it all and now they got nothing, i wouldn’t mind if these dreadfully silly women could cook in their €100’000 new kitchens but sadly most of em couldn’t boil a fockin egg, ahh jasus gimme wanking any day over that disaster.

  16. Duncan Stewart’s dad was head of intelligence in the irish army back in the day, ”col Stewart”he obviously didnt pass much of it ‘doul intelligence’ onto son duncan…like?

  17. Tom — When you call people nobodies (or in your terms, “nobodys”) are you referring to everyone in the world, or did you have a subset in mind? Could you be more specific about who exactly you regard as nobody?

  18. Bock If you think Duncan was bad, theres a new program on TV TREE. I think its called Dublin Houswives. Just watched a few minutes of it last night and nearly shit myself laughing. You know the woman (strange face looks very like a man) who was engaged to flatly at one stage. She’s sitting there, I presume somewhere in the southside of Dublin, in her big “fuck off” rich housewifes kitchen with some other broiler, trying to come up with a name for their new company. The other one is sitting there in a pair of dungarees with her tits barely held in place, sayin wait a minute I have an idea..Im tinken, Im tinken, Im tinken!

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