Imagine being a dead Muslim martyr

I was out tonight in my pub of choice, having a few scoops of my drink of choice with my friends of choice, when the subject of Islamic martyrdom came up.

This is how sad I am, and how pathetically sad my friends of choice are too.

As we were all men, somebody was bound to bring up the matter of the 77 virgins. You just would, y’know? Somebody said, Well, it isn’t that bad. You have the 77 virgins waiting for you when you die heroically, after the martyrdom, which is probably painful all right, probably very fukken painful getting a spear through your chest but still, 77 virgins, y’know. How bad?

And on the face of it, that’s probably true. On the face of it, you would certainly think, how bad could it be?

Well, here comes the news. It could be pretty fucking bad. There you are, newly-arrived in heaven, and here’s your 77 virgins. How’s it goin’, Boss? Satisfy us, ya bollix!

All well and good. You get down to business, and as it’s heaven, involving the afterlife where you don’t get tired or any of that kind of thing, you finally manage to satisfy the 77 virgins.

Jesus Christ, I need a pint.

You’re about to slither off for a pint.

Where the fuck do you think you’re going? says the 77 ex-virgins.

To the pub!!

Without us? Not a chance!!

And there you are, eventually, having called 19 taxis. Right darlings, what are we having?

A stupid question. You stand at the bar, discussing your order with the barman who can’t believe what a stupid twat you are:

Let’s see if I have that, now. 32 Heineken with ice. 14 Heineken with lime. 4 spritzers. 2 gin and tonic. 5 Jagermeisters. 2 Fat Frogs. 11 tequila slammers. 3 pints of Bulmers. 3 Jamesons. 1Black Bush. And a Guinness.

No bother.

Jesus, there’s Mikey. How’s it goin’, Mikey – what will you have?

Oh, I’ll have a pint of Guinness, 44 tequila slammers, 15 red wines, 3 Wild Turkeys, 12 Coronas and 3 Slivovitz.

Grand, says the barman. That’s 32 Heineken with ice, 14 Heineken with lime, 4 spritzers, 5 Jagermeisters, 3 Jamesons, 55 tequila slammers, 2 gin and tonics, 2 Fat Frogs, 3 pints of Bulmers, 15 red wines, 3 Wild Turkeys, 12 Coronas and 3 Slivovitz. 1 Black Bush. And 2 pints of Guinness.

That’s right. Oh, Jaysus, here’s Tommy with his Mexican virgins. Tommy will ya have a pint? Grand. Will ya make that 3 pints of Guinness. And 121 tequila slammers. Grand. Fine.

Finally, after eight of the lads turn up, we get a cosy little sing-song going, involving a medley of old numbers by Captain Beefheart and the Velvet Underground. The 693 virgins seem a little pissed off at our lack of attention.

What’s wrong? we say.

As one, the 693 virgins reply, Nothing!



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25 thoughts on “Imagine being a dead Muslim martyr

  1. Jesus Christ Almighty!! The maths alone would drive you to Devil worship.
    I love the Muslim afterlife having a pub btw.Classic.

  2. According to my copy of the Koran, they are returned to the virginal state by morning. That’s not ideal because 1) its hard work and 2)it would result in wear and tear on one’s vital member. I think you would be spending the evening in A&E in St. Peters and not in the pub.
    I’ll stick to the Christian heaven where all you have to deal with is androgynous (ladyboy) angels.

  3. Returned, you say? To the virginal state? Dear Jesus!

    Does your Koran have anything to say about the actual virgins you collect when you arrive in Heaven? I mean, so to speak, are they, you know, are they sort of, well, you know what I mean.

    You don’t? OK.

    Are they the elderly class of virgin?

  4. This explains a lot – both why Islam was never popular among Irish people, and why Muslims don’t drink and leave their women at home.

  5. No problem at all. Many thanks to you Tomas for setting us straight. That certainly makes a huge difference to point I was trying to make, and the figures will be adjusted accordingly.

    Well done for spotting the real thrust of the discussion.

  6. This a little late, but my question is: does the Koran specify the gender of the virgins?

  7. I read somewhere that the Koran was mistranslated and that the word virgin was in fact grapes. So they get 72 grapes, a massive disappointed for the martyrs I’m sure.

  8. Sour grapes. Sorry I couldn’t resist. I wish B’dum B’dum guy was here followed by a Tish and crickets cricketing.

  9. …..and did you know that said virgins are called Houries/ Hoories/ Whoories? (no english spelling for the word).

  10. It means pure or chaste women. They will be female as ISLAM NOR ALLAAH are fond of homosexuality (reflect on the story of Lot during the time of Abraham). Each time the woman is entered, she will be returned to her state of virgin as this isnt something hard for The Most High to do.

  11. Who said they were the most high?
    I have been pretty high myself, and some of my mates….shit……
    So there. I think.

  12. T’was Winston Churchill that wrote below, way back then.

    “How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries! Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia in a dog, there is this fearful fatalistic apathy. The effects are apparent in many countries. Improvident habits, slovenly systems of agriculture, sluggish methods of commerce, and insecurity of property exist wherever the followers of the Prophet rule or live.

    “A degraded sensualism deprives this life of its grace and refinement; the next of its dignity and sanctity. The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property, either as a child, a wife, or a concubine, must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men.

    “Individual Moslems may show splendid qualities, but the influence of the religion paralyses the social development of those who follow it.

    “No stronger retrograde force exists in the world. Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytising faith. It has already spread throughout Central Africa, raising fearless warriors at every step; and were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science, the science against which it had vainly struggled, the civilisation of modern Europe might fall, as fell the civilisation of ancient Rome.”

  13. I came across this blog recently that throws some light to Islam and its creation and history. Also in there is “How is Jesus better than Moses”, which is funny if not blatant, plus a good backround into Muhammad. Anyway’s, I found it an interesting read and enlightened me on things I knew nothing about, plus some startling facts on Islam, which assuming is correct is quite concerning.

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