Imagine being a dead Muslim
Posted on Saturday, November 4, 2006I was out tonight in my pub of choice, having a few scoops of my drink of choice with my friends of choice, when the subject of Islamic martyrdom came up.
This is how sad I am, and how pathetically sad my friends of choice are too.
As we were all men, somebody was bound to bring up the matter of the 77 virgins. You just would, y’know? Somebody said, Well, it isn’t that bad. You have the 77 virgins waiting for you when you die heroically, after the martyrdom, which is probably painful all right, probably very fukken painful getting a spear through your chest but still, 77 virgins, y’know. How bad?
And on the face of it, that’s probably true. On the face of it, you would certainly think, how bad could it be?
Well, here comes the news. It could be pretty fucking bad. There you are, newly-arrived in heaven, and here’s your 77 virgins. How’s it goin’, Boss? Satisfy us, ya bollix!
All well and good. You get down to business, and as it’s heaven, involving the afterlife where you don’t get tired or any of that kind of thing, you finally manage to satisfy the 77 virgins.
Jesus Christ, I need a pint.
You’re about to slither off for a pint.
Where the fuck do you think you’re going? says the 77 ex-virgins.
To the pub!!
Without us? Not a chance!!
And there you are, eventually, having called 19 taxis. Right darlings, what are we having?
A stupid question. You stand at the bar, discussing your order with the barman who can’t believe what a stupid twat you are:
Let’s see if I have that, now. 32 Heineken with ice. 14 Heineken with lime. 4 spritzers. 2 gin and tonic. 5 Jagermeisters. 2 Fat Frogs. 11 tequila slammers. 3 pints of Bulmers. 3 Jamesons. 1Black Bush. And a Guinness.
No bother.
Jesus, there’s Mikey. How’s it goin’, Mikey - what will you have?
Oh, I’ll have a pint of Guinness, 44 tequila slammers, 15 red wines, 3 Wild Turkeys, 12 Coronas and 3 Slivovitz.
Grand, says the barman. That’s 32 Heineken with ice, 14 Heineken with lime, 4 spritzers, 5 Jagermeisters, 3 Jamesons, 55 tequila slammers, 2 gin and tonics, 2 Fat Frogs, 3 pints of Bulmers, 15 red wines, 3 Wild Turkeys, 12 Coronas and 3 Slivovitz. 1 Black Bush. And 2 pints of Guinness.
That’s right. Oh, Jaysus, here’s Tommy with his Mexican virgins. Tommy will ya have a pint? Grand. Will ya make that 3 pints of Guinness. And 121 tequila slammers. Grand. Fine.
Finally, after eight of the lads turn up, we get a cosy little sing-song going, involving a medley of old numbers by Captain Beefheart and the Velvet Underground. The 693 virgins seem a little pissed off at our lack of attention.
What’s wrong? we say.
As one, the 693 virgins reply, Nothing!
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Idiots, religious lunatics and the war on terror
Stumble it!
November 4th, 2006
Jesus Christ Almighty!! The maths alone would drive you to Devil worship.
I love the Muslim afterlife having a pub btw.Classic.
November 5th, 2006
According to my copy of the Koran, they are returned to the virginal state by morning. That’s not ideal because 1) its hard work and 2)it would result in wear and tear on one’s vital member. I think you would be spending the evening in A&E in St. Peters and not in the pub.
I’ll stick to the Christian heaven where all you have to deal with is androgynous (ladyboy) angels.
November 5th, 2006
Returned, you say? To the virginal state? Dear Jesus!
Does your Koran have anything to say about the actual virgins you collect when you arrive in Heaven? I mean, so to speak, are they, you know, are they sort of, well, you know what I mean.
You don’t? OK.
Are they the elderly class of virgin?
November 12th, 2006
Elderly virgins? Not much virtue in being chaste if you aren’t being chased.
November 12th, 2006
Returned unopened, so to speak.
November 12th, 2006
This explains a lot - both why Islam was never popular among Irish people, and why Muslims don’t drink and leave their women at home.
January 13th, 2007
It’s actually seventy-two virgins.
January 13th, 2007
No problem at all. Many thanks to you Tomas for setting us straight. That certainly makes a huge difference to point I was trying to make, and the figures will be adjusted accordingly.
Well done for spotting the real thrust of the discussion.
May 19th, 2007
[…] =================== Imagine being a dead Muslim […]
July 2nd, 2007
[…] Imagine being a dead Muslim […]
April 29th, 2008
This a little late, but my question is: does the Koran specify the gender of the virgins?
April 30th, 2008
I read somewhere that the Koran was mistranslated and that the word virgin was in fact grapes. So they get 72 grapes, a massive disappointed for the martyrs I’m sure.
April 30th, 2008
So, would they be boy-grapes or girl-grapes?
May 1st, 2008
Sour grapes. Sorry I couldn’t resist. I wish B’dum B’dum guy was here followed by a Tish and crickets cricketing.
June 14th, 2008
…..and did you know that said virgins are called Houries/ Hoories/ Whoories? (no english spelling for the word).