Did you ever hear people saying that?
Oh, yes. Indeed. You see, I had a little twinge. Nothing really, but it's best to be on the safe side, so I went to see Mr Fachtna Ó Féileacháin. I believe he's the top man in his field. Oh yes.
Is he now? The top man? The very best?
Ok. I see. So there's a load of fuckers not as good as Fachtna “ Fucking Féileacháin, but you'll pay them just as much. I never heard anyone say, I had a bunion and I went to Conrad Plingebattery. I believe he's the second-best in the whole country for bunions. Did you ever hear anyone saying something like that? Of course not. What a load of fucking shite. Either you can cure stuff or you can't. The end. Did you go to college? Did the tax-payer pay for it? Did you learn what they taught you there? No? then fuck off – you shouldn't be a doctor. Are you making a huge pile of dosh? Right. Then fix my fucking bunion.
I also never heard anyone saying I had a terrible effluxion and I went to Tarquin Windsor-Murphy. He's the bottom man in his field, you know.
It's a way of making ourselves feel better, nach ea? If we trust that we're going to see the top man in his field, then chances are that the lump we've allowed to grow on our bollocks, the pains we've been having for the past few months down our left arm, will be nothing but a minor problem, cleared up by a dose of antibiotics.
StJohn Swardswagger will sort out this issue for you, Bock. He's ahead of everyone in his area. Mind you, over in the next townland, you've got Myles Monckton-Mingeworthy, another top notch chap… he actually still bills in Guineas, dontcha ya know.
And I know, Bock, that you appreciate that a Guinea in this instance is neither a back-up epithet for a Spic, or a Pheasant's less colourful relation.
You're dead right. I know full well what a guinea is, although it isn't what it used to be, so to speak.
Indeed.
Btw, as I'm on, how does the old Limerick Q&A mnemonic go… is it: "Here's Adare: if Patrickswell how does Abbeyfeale? Askeaton!" or is there more to it?
Jesus, that's a new one to me.
Ask some auld langer hanging over a bar out the county…
I certainly will.
I'll kidnap an ould langer and beat the information out of him.
Good man. Limerick-style, I like it.