The other most bizarre thing ever has to be the Litvinenko poisoning.
I thought Bock’s people were entitled to the truth and so I did a little bit of research on this polonium-210 stuff, in the interests of accuracy, and for the avoidance of all doubt.
Don’t buy it?
Ah, I don’t blame you. What I actually did was to ask around the pub: c’m’ere, what’s the story with this polonium shit?
This is what I managed to establish.
Polonium is a naturally-occurring metallic element which is radioactive and comes from the breakdown of radium. It can be made by bombarding lead or bismuth with neutrons in a nuclear reactor and it seems to be used mainly as a source of radioactivity in cloud chambers for school labs and that kind of thing. It doesn’t seem to be much use for anything else except killing spies. It’s about 200 times as radioactive as radium, emitting both gamma-radiation which makes the air around it glow blue, and alpha particles, which are Helium atoms without their knobs. These are the things that kill you. They won’t go through your skin, but if you swallow the stuff, the alpha particles make shite of your soft inner organs. This surprises me, as I thought the dangerous stuff was the beta and gamma radiation. Just goes to show. No doubt some smart-ass Brit scientist will submit his views on this shortly.
Anyway, that’s all a load of shite, really. What I found out was that they make this stuff in a huge reactor in Russia, in a closed city. For a full month they toil away, manufacturing their polonium, and then they send the entire output to the USA. All of it. Every single scrap.
How much do you think this polonium-producing closed Russian nuclear-reactoring city produces in a month and sends to the Yanks? Go on. Guess.
A ton? No!
Five tons? No!
A pound? No!
A kilo? No!
All right then, I’ll tell you.
Eight grammes. A quarter of a fucking ounce. That’s what this polonium-producing closed Russian nuclear-reactoring city produces in a month and sends to the Yanks.
It costs a fucking fortune, and how much of the stuff do you think the gobshites used to kill poor Litvinenko? Forty million dollars worth. That’s how much. Enough money to kill half of the Third World if it was used wisely. Imagine how many villages you could wipe out with forty million dollars. Imagine how much of Offaly could be obliterated with such resources, and the incompetent KGB use it to whack one small former agent.
I know the idea of using it. You have enough time to escape before the guy dies. I know. It makes sense. But even one million dollars would buy a whole tribe of suicide bombers to take him out, and you could be happily on your plane back to Vladivostok a week before they fragged him. And then you have the remaining $39 million to kill people in the Third World. It just makes no sense!
I’d like to know about the Sushi bar. Here you have Litvinenko, a spy, and Scaramella, a nuclear physicist. When their fugo-fish arrived, did it strike them as the slightest bit strange that the waiter was wearing a full-length lead suit with a four-inch-thick glass visor, and reached them their plates at the end of a twelve-foot pair of tongs:
Eat glowing bit feerst – is good for you!
Since we all know the KGB are watching old James Bond movies, did it not occur to them to hire a gigantic Japanese butler to kill the guy with a bowler hat?
PS. The other way you can get this stuff inside you is by smoking tobacco.