Anti-social behaviour orders

 Posted by on December 29, 2006  Add comments
Dec 292006
 

I see the new Anti-social Behaviour Orders are ready to roll. According to today’s papers, the adult version will be available for the new year, with children’s asbos following in a couple of months. I see also, however, that the Guards won’t be ready to implement it because their Fancy-Dan computer system isn’t up to the job.

I refer, of course, to the PULSE system, introduced about ten years ago to a great fanfare. The PULSE acronym, you might already know, is one of those tortured plays on words beloved of geeky tekkie people: Police Using Leading Systems Effectively. I didn’t like it when it came out, and I still don’t like it. When they introduced it, I called up the Commissioner and explained my concerns.

Why don’t you use my one instead? I demanded. Cops Using New Technology Successfully.

He wouldn’t listen to me, the ignorant git, and that’s why they’re stuck now with PULSE.

So anyway, they can’t enforce the asbos because they have no skobe database, though this doesn’t seem such a problem to me. After all, how much organisation does it take to round up scumbags and shoot them? You don’t need their names, just a three-item checklist.

Haircut? Check!
Ear-stud? Check!
Tracksuit? Check!

Good work lads. Just line them fuckers up there and stand back. Good man.

To my way of thinking, we wouldn’t need asbos if the Yanks would only think again about whacking Saddam. Don’t misunderstand me now. I’m not against his hanging because I think the death penalty is repellent. In fact, there’s plenty of fuckers out there who should swing. No, I just think hanging him is a terrible waste. After all, even though he is a monster and a mass-murderer and a tyrant and a despot, he’s also very experienced. He’s a tyrannical, monstrous, despotic mass-murderer with years of experience at suppressing opposition. I think Saddam is the very man we need to sort out scumbags. Never mind these fuckin asbos. Just give Saddam a pardon and send him over here. We’ll look after him and make him Minister for Skobes.

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police and thieves

The Heart of Darkness

Worst police force in Europe

Three tragic deaths

The Cannibal Murders

Anti-social behaviour orders

Do You Know Your Daddyââ€â„¢s a Murderer?

Non-lethal weapons

Oh those funny old Guards

The Professionals

Losing hearts and minds

kick it on kick.ie

  4 Responses to “Anti-social behaviour orders”

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  1.  

    Aye, your acronym is much more apt and satisfying than PULSE. I wonder did they name it that so they could finally say they had their fingers on it?

  2.  

    all this is crap about asbos is just that, crap, the cops already have a lot of powers to deal with this stuff but they are not interested because these investigations are boring to them they dont really care because 90 per cent of this stuff happens in housing estates and the cops have always adopted an apartheid attidude towards these people, living in estates

  3.  

    “So anyway, they can’t enforce the asbos because they have no skobe database, though this doesn’t seem such a problem to me. After all, how much organisation does it take to round up scumbags and shoot them? You don’t need their names, just a three-item checklist.”

    Hmmm A wiki with skobes as the subject matter, now there’s an idea.

    *goes off and considers*

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