The dog is my doorbell.
About an hour ago, the dog started to go crazy, but before I could get there, somebody kicked the door. Fuck this, I thought, as the dog went insane.
Now, I’m not Chuck Norris, and I’m not stupid either. If anyone is going to die here, it will be the dog, much though I love him. So I tied a long, long lead to his collar and flung open the door, to find two small kids in red Santa hats holding out a paper cup. Very small kids, about maybe three or four years old. They ran away when they saw the dog and they went across the road to a neighbour’s house, where they knocked on the door.
I thought this was very strange and, as I walked out to the road, I could see a man standing a little way off, in the shadows. Then, a people-carrier-type car, driven by a woman, pulled up at another neighbour’s house and dropped off two more kids in Santa hats. The car then passed me, before stopping about fifty yards on. These kids were a bit older, maybe nine or ten. There was a loud banging as they kicked on the neighbour’s door. When they got no answer, they walked on past me, and as they approached, they started singing Jingle Bells at me. One of them held out a cup.
I said, Tell your Daddy I got the number of his car.
They went on to the car, where I could hear a man’s voice shouting at the two smaller children. They got in, the man shouted some more and then the car drove away with a screech of tyres.
What the fuck was that all about?