The Laughing Mechanic
Posted on Tuesday, December 19, 2006I was buzzing along in the old Bockmobile the other day, idly thinking up ways to cause a nuisance, when suddenly there was a loud noise. Not a BANG! exactly. More a Whooomff!! And suddenly I had no power. No engine. No anything except a silent Bockmobile coasting to a halt at the side of the road.
This doesn’t look good, I told myself.
You’re right, I replied. Not good at all.
So I phoned my mechanic. What do you think?
Not good, he said. Not good at all. Wait there, he said. I’ll come over and tow you back to my place.
Grand, I said. How long?
About an hour and a half.
An hour and a fucking half? In the freezing cold? At the side of the fucking road?
Look, he says. You’re not far from a pub. Get yourself into the pub and read a paper. Go on away now and relax yourself.
Relax myself. I spent the next ninety minutes chewing pieces out of the sticky carpet in the filthy flea-ridden pub, until eventually, Mechanic-Man arrived. Well? Where’s the patient?
After a close examination, involving a stethoscope, he looked up at me. What do you think? he asked.
Well, I said, you’re the fucking mechanic, but I think we have a broken timing belt, and I think all the valves and rockers are shattered like a mouthful of broken teeth, and I think the whole thing is kaput. That’s what I think.
Mechanic-Man stood up from the engine and rubbed his jaw. He was wearing a huge grin. Do you know what? he said, laughing.
What? I said.
You’re bollixed, he chuckled.
Stumble it!
December 20th, 2006
Mechanics are a bit different here. Mine is much nicer. Of course, he bears a strong resemblance to that really bad MoFo in Fargo, but he’s a sweetheart—and a good mechanic.
That said, funny post. I hope the Bockmobile gets better soon and that the carpet didn’t make you sick.
December 20th, 2006
Ah now, in fairness, he’s all right. He gave me his car while mine is being fixed, so I can’t really say too much bad about him.
December 20th, 2006
So Bock that’s what you look like.
Check your timing belt every 10.000 miles on a car over seven years old.
December 20th, 2006
Aha! A Handy Household Hint!
December 20th, 2006
Get stubborn red wine stains out by beheading a lamb and bathing in its blood.
Do you need a new cylinder head? I had to fork out more than my car was worth a few years back because of a similar problem. Couldn’t afford to buy a new one.
December 20th, 2006
No, but I had to go and find a new camshaft and rockers. Also, replacement timing belt and all the other bits.
We started up the engine last night, and there doesn’t seem to be damage to the crankshaft. We also now know the cause: a burst high-pressure oil-pipe. Not something you’d normally be watching out for.
An expensive little leak.
December 20th, 2006
Seems like the week for it, I had a head gasket blow on my van and a footpeg bracket break on my motorbike.
That was an astute diagnosis by the mechanic though, a broken timing belt does indeed render you “bollixed”