It seems that the tough new police action against drinking and driving has pretty much killed the rural pub, which was the last place left for people to congregate, now that the post offices are nearly extinct and people are afraid to go to the church in case a big hairy priest jumps out from behind a statue and bones them up the arse while they’re not looking.
This, not surprisingly, is leading to isolation and loneliness for many old people and, to combat the problem, it seems the government is going to provide free transport so that old people living in rural areas can go to the pub at night and have a drink. That’s what it says here in today’s paper. I’m reading it now.
Several reactions crowd in upon me at exactly the same time, all fighting for life.
What? Free buses to the pub? They will in their arse! Is this a joke? Why can’t the pubs pay for it? It won’t happen. Pull the other one. Now there’s a pre-election stunt if I ever saw one. Gobshite politicians.
But the reaction that rises above all the other, floating blithely to freedom as the others shake their fists at it, is this: Why?
Not content with forcing smokers out into the freezing rain for a cigarette, our super-PC government has now ordained that even two pints will turn your average driver into a slobbering double-visioned killing machine. Look, the theory behind this law is that alcohol diminishes our capacity to drive safely, which is an undisputed fact. Diminished from what level, though? And to what level? You could walk into a pub in reasonable physical and mental condition, drink two pints, go out and get arrested. Meanwhile, the guy next to you who only had a coffee, can be as blind as a bat, with a dodgy leg, a withered arm, crippled with arthritis, a bad back, a stiff neck, and as stupid as a White House full of Bushes. When the cops pull him in, he’s blameless. Despite the fact that he shouldn’t be allowed to walk, never mind drive, he can continue on his way, endangering everybody within a forty-mile radius.
Why? It’s insane.
If we were going to be logical about it, there should be a change in the law. By all means ban drink driving, but only if you also ban complete idiots from getting behind a wheel.
Excuse me, Sir. Would you mind blowing into this bag? Thanks. That’s fine. Now, are you a complete fucking fool? You are? Right, I’m arresting you under the Fucking Fools Not Allowed to Drive Act, 2007.