How I quit smoking and lost weight

I stopped smoking four years ago.

I used to have three cigarettes in bed before I got up. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and go downstairs to have a smoke. Sometimes, I’d be out having a drink and I’d be puffing away at my cigarette, and I’d be thinking, Jesus, I’d love a smoke. I was a very bad smoker.

Actually, no. I was a great smoker. I was a soldier of smoking.

One day, I realised the secret to stopping and it worked. I didn’t go to any seminars or to a hypnotist. I had no acupuncture. No therapy.

Here’s the secret if you want to be a non-smoker. It’s very simple. Are you ready? Ok. The secret to being a non-smoker is this: don’t smoke! Isn’t it brilliant? Don’t walk into that shop, don’t buy them, don’t light them and don’t put them in your mouth. Stop doing these things and you’ll be a non-smoker. Isn’t that great?

Now, to my dismay, I discovered there was a down-side to being a non-smoker, which was that I became a fat bastard. I made little grunting sounds when I tied my laces and I had to buy new trousers – something I didn’t like one little bit. What’s more, I’m still fatter than I was when I smoked, but not as much. I’m reducing again. Why? Well, because I discovered another little well-guarded secret.

Which is? Simple, and just like becoming a non-smoker, only easier. Here’s the secret if you want to be a non-fat-person. It’s very simple. Are you ready? Ok. The secret to being a non-fat-person is this: eat less. Isn’t it brilliant? Don’t walk into that Chinese take-away. Don’t buy that crispy chilli beef, don’t shove it down your throat. Stop doing these things and you’ll be a non-fat-person. Isn’t it great?

kick it on

8 thoughts on “How I quit smoking and lost weight

  1. Whoah, careful there. You’ll put lots of self-help sites outta business with advice like that! I stopped smoking about 5 years ago, saving about €11,000 in the process, although I have no idea where that money went to! The accumulation of money wasted is what made me stop.

    Hope that diet works. Sounds kinda uncoventional.

  2. Bock let me tell you how to play the clarinet, oboe, bassoon and I believe every other woodwind instrument in the orchestra.
    You blow down one end, and move your fingers over the little holes.
    It’s as simple as that.

    We should be running the world.

  3. Donal’s right, Mr. Sbock. Ssssh! I get a great laugh out of watching my brother wheeze his way through alternative therapies every time he tries to give up.

  4. Donal: We’ll all be rich with this fantastic new system

    MAroon: Ah now, it’s not that good yet. It only works for when you want to stop doing something.

    Sweary: OK. You’d better not tell the brother then.

  5. That’s gone and put the kibosh on my new business plan, Bock you bastard!
    I was going to sell a 12 part plan for weight loss via the internet.
    In return for a reasonable sum much less than the amount the average smoker torches in a year, each month Skinner Inc. would post out our special motivational, scientifically proven method for losing weiight and keeping it off.
    In other words, an email that said: “EAT LESS AND EXCERCISE MORE, YOU FAT BLOBBY BASTARD!”
    You owe me approximately five trillion euro now.

  6. Jesus, sorry about that.

    Why don’t you you apply it to alcoholics instead? Stop boozing, you drunken fucker!!

  7. We’ve got a quit smoking correspondence course in beta testing right now.
    It consists of twelve monthly mails saying:
    “Don’t light the fucking fag, it’s going to kill you, you thick mong.”
    But it’s hard to get the wording right, y’know?
    Might be onto something with the drinking one. I’ll get the lab munchkins working on it right away!

  8. I think you’re onto something there. You could picture it on the side of buses, in tube trains, up there on billboards. You could sell the concept to the government.

    Minister announces new policy initiative:


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