Wirey always had some scheme going to keep himself in drink, and one of the most successful was the gutter-cleaning business. He and his buddy had a round of regular customers and they used to do a good job, clearing out all the muck and moss and shit that gets washed off the roof. They’d put up the ladder and bring back down bucket after bucket of crap. The customers were delighted with them.

Repeat business was important to Wirey and the other guy, so they had a little insurance policy. Before leaving, they used to sprinkle a pinch of grass seed into the gutter for the next time. It worked well. The same customers called them time and again, until one day the phone rang.

Is that you, Wirey, you fecker?

‘Tis, Mrs O’Leary.

Get down here to my house this instant!

Right-o. I’m on my way.

When Wirey arrived, Mrs O’Leary was standing outside the house. Look up there at my gutters and tell me what you see.

Oh Jesus, Missus, the weeds are gone very bad.

Mrs O’Leary leaned close to Wirey and fixed him with an evil stare. That’s not weeds, you fecker. That’s lettuce!