Same as it ever was . . .

You know that thing that happens in science-fiction, where somebody goes through a portal and ends up in a parallel universe? It happens in Stargate all the time. You walk through a wall of blue jelly and there you are, back home, except it’s not really back home at all, is it? You may find yourself behind the wheel of your large automobile, outside your beautiful house. There’s your beautiful wife, the very same as when you left, but something isn’t quite right. Your stereo is a little different and you ask yourself, How do I work this? Your garage seems to be in the wrong place and you may ask yourself, Where is that large automobile? Or the colour of the kitchen wall is a little off, a little different than when you left, and you say to your beautiful wife, Honey, did you paint this? Your beautiful wife says, Why no, Honey, I didn’t. And you may tell yourself, This is not my beautiful house!

Letting the days go by, it all seems so idyllic, yet you can’t escape that nagging feeling. Letting the days go by, sometimes you wonder, Am I right, am I wrong? You begin to wonder where that highway goes. You stroll out to your beautiful fish-pond with its thousand-year-old Koi carp, and you stare into the silent water under the rocks and stones.

The little clue that gives the game away is when you see your brother, Gronk, reflected in the water and now you remember. You don’t have a brother called Gronk. You don’t have a brother at all, and certainly not one who is half man, half turnip.

My God, you cry, what have I done?

I’m having that sort of experience lately. I seem to have arrived in a strangely familiar, but unnervingly different reality, and I think I might have wondered through one of those jelly portal things without realising it. In my home world, you couldn’t imagine the Provos voting to support the Peelers. The Flintstones would never tolerate anyone singing God Save the Queen in Croke Park. But here’s the real clincher for me: in this ludicrous universe I’ve blundered into, Scunthorpe United are at the top of League One.

Ah, come on now. Gimme a break!


12 replies on “Same as it ever was . . .”

Can’t seem to face upto the facts?
Get so nervous? Can’t relax?
You can’t sleep? Your bed’s on fire?
GSTQ in Croke Park?
Are you quite fucking mad?
Who allowed this?
Don’t touch me!

Clearly you stepped on an insect in one of your forays into the past and irrevocably changed the course of history and evolution.

In this universe Munster appear to have won the Heineken cup, there’s a tunnel coming to Limerick under the river, there is a second George Bush in the white house, the Ennis bypass is open , smoking has been banned in pubs… they reckon that Ireland are favourites to win the 6 (Not 5) nations and are actually mumbling about getting to the semi-finals and finals in the world cup? You can fly to England for less than the price of a mortgage payment? You can drive on a motorway if ure going to Dublin? Bruff are a senior rugby club and have a player on the Irish team that will play in Croker? They call Charlie a crook and held a tribunal? I mean what have we stumbled into???


ruth: ok. I will

maroon: is it any wonder I don’t know where I am?

swearing lady: no. They’re doing fine. A tin of Pedigree Chum every day and they’re as fit as a butcher’s fish

hal: you see? I told you.

conan: take a look at these hands!

echomadman: but how can we know this?

sassy: you start and I’ll join in

eliza: you’re more than welcome

dickler: nice list. It’s worse than we thought.

old knudsen:oh yes. You just reminded me. I forgot that. The RUC are playing Gaelic football. Another one for the list

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