Wirey strikes again

Posted on Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I bumped into one of the Gerrys during the week. I hadn’t seen him since we buried Wirey.

Well, Gerry. Did you enjoy the funeral?

He shrugged. Yeah. It was ok.

I didn’t like his tone. Jesus, Gerry, that doesn’t sound like you. If I recall right, you always enjoyed a good funeral.

Gerry shuffled his feet and looked a bit sheepish.

Come on, I said. Out with it. What happened?

Well, said Gerry, I went up to the church with the other Gerry. He had a guitar and I brought a bodhrán and tin whistle. We wanted to play a few of Wirey’s favourite songs.

I know, I said. I heard you planning it in the pub the night before.

Yeah, he said. So we went up to the church, and to be honest with you, now, I don’t know one end of a church from the other.

No more than the rest of us, I assured him. Sure that church was full of fuckers that never said a prayer in their lives.

Anyway, says Gerry, we struck up a few tunes during the ceremony, any time we thought there was a bit of a break in the praying, you know?

I nodded. Very good.

Yeah, he said. We played Snowblind Friend. And then we played Purple Haze.

Excellent choice, I agreed.

Then, he said, we were just getting into the second verse of Plastic Jesus, when the priest stopped all the hubba-hubba stuff he was going on with, and he walked off the altar, straight down the aisle to where we were sitting at the back of the church.

Christ, I said, that was a strange thing to do.

That’s not the half of it. What the fuck do you think you’re doing? says the priest. I looked at the other Gerry, he looked back at me. We’re playing a few songs for Wirey, we told the priest.

Wirey? said the priest. Who the fuck is Wirey?

The guy you’re burying, we told him.

This ceremony is for Mrs O’Toole, said the priest. Now get the fuck out of here.

Gerry took a deep breath and scratched his head. We felt like right fuckin eejits, I can tell you.

I’ll bet you did, I sympathised.

Yeah, he said. It took all the good out of Wirey’s funeral.