And they call me a robber?
Posted on Tuesday, February 20, 2007Would you like to hear the story of the great big bridge and the tiny little mouse? OK then. Settle in and pull up those cosy covers while I tell you the story.
You see, what happened was this. Once upon a time, the government built a road from one side of the great big city to the other. They pulled and they dragged. Then they dragged and they pulled. They huffed and they puffed and then they banged and they walloped. After years and years they were nearly finished.
My what a fine road we’ve built, said Road Inspector Toad.
Yes indeed, said Road Minister Rat. A very fine road indeed.
Haw haw haw, laughed Road Inspector Toad.
Ho Ho Ho, chuckled Road Minister Rat.
But a little field-mouse happened to be passing and heard their conversation.
Excuse me, said the field mouse.
Ho Ho Ho, chuckled Road Minister Rat
Haw haw haw, laughed Road Inspector Toad.
Excuse me please, said the field mouse.
Road Minister Rat and Road Inspector Toad both dried their eyes and gazed down at the trembling little field mouse.
What? roared Road Inspector Toad.
Good heavens! bellowed Road Minister Rat.
I was just wondering, said the timid little mouse, for he was truly scared of the two great road builders, but why did you leave out the bit in the middle?
Haw haw haw, chuckled Road Inspector Toad.
Ho Ho Ho, laughed Road Minister Rat. What a silly little mouse you are! We didn’t leave out a bit.
No? hesitated the mouse, more confused than ever.
Why, no, smiled Road Inspector Toad. Don’t you know anything?
Well, I am only a field-mouse, said Mouse.
Of course you are, said Rat. Well, little fellow, our friends, the Toll Monkeys will finish it off for us.
They will? asked Mouse, his eyes wide with wonder.
They certainly will, nodded Rat and Toad. And then every carter and wagoner who crosses the bridge will be so grateful that they’ll give the Toll Monkeys bananas for the rest of their lives.
Oh, said Mouse. But couldn’t you just finish the little bit of road yourselves? After all, the people are hungry and maybe some poor carter won’t have a banana to give the Toll Monkeys.
Ho Ho Ho, chuckled Road Minister Rat
Haw haw haw, laughed Road Inspector Toad. Finish it ourselves? Why then, where would that leave the Toll Monkeys? What fine friends we would be to leave our friends the Toll Monkeys with no bananas. Now be off with you!
Oh, said the field-mouse. Well, goodbye then.
Ho Ho Ho, chuckled Road Minister Rat.
Haw haw haw, laughed Road Inspector Toad.
Years and years and years later, the little field mouse was passing by the bridge again when suddenly the was a loud FLOP! and a huge banana skin landed at his feet. He looked up, startled, and there he saw a huge troop of toll monkeys cavorting in the tree-tops. Each of them was carrying a huge sack of bananas.
Excuse me, said the old field mouse.
Hee hee hee, screamed the toll monkeys. Hee hee hee heeeeee!!!!!
Excuse me? repeated the field mouse.
A cheeky monkey swung down from his branch and picked up the little field mouse.
You talkin to me? Are you talkin to me?
Oh, said the field mouse, it’s nothing really. It’s just that I never saw you here before.
Yeah, said the toll monkey. Me an’ da guys done a real sweet deal wit da Rat an’ da Toad. See, we gets to keep loads an’ loadsa bananas an’ we don’t never have to work da bridge no more, but we still gets to get loadsa bananas. Ain’t dat da damnedest thing ya ever seen?
The field mouse nodded, uncertainly. I see. So, is this the end of bananas to cross the bridge?
The toll monkey guffawed and slapped his thigh. Yuk yuk yuk, what a stoopid little field mouse ya is. Look over there on da bridge. Ya see the big line of carts and wagons?
The field mouse stared and scrunched up his eyes and stared some more.
Well, said the monkey, you’ll never guess what.
What? said the mouse.
That’s the Rat’s guys and the Toad’s mob, an’ ya know what they’re doin?
No, said Mouse.
They’re collectin’ the bananas for us, so’s we don’t hafta do nuttin at all no more, an’ still we gets da bananas. Ain’t that sweet?
And with that, the monkey was gone, back up his tree, leaving the baffled old field mouse to stare into the distance, shaking his head.
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Stumble it!
February 21st, 2007
And so it was. From that day to this, the toll monkeys have been masturbating furiously in the direction of the carters and wagoners and grinning their little monkey grins.
They’ve been flinging their faeces at all of the poor bridge crossers until this day, when they can now display their proud, red, bulbous arses to their old friends Rat and Toad and demand that they don’t pay any capital gains tax on all of the crates of bananas that Rat and Toad are now sending them by the lorryload so that they might go away and leave Rat and Toad to collect the bananas instead.
Rat and Toad lived happily ever after. The monkeys lived very happily ever after. The carter and wagoner were banished to sit forever in their carts and wagons on the bridge.
February 21st, 2007
Ah yes. NTR now has its corporate fingers in many pockets. And Cement Roadstone… don’t leave out the Des Traynor (RIP) strand in your yarn.
ps… if I were a farmer losing a lump of land to one of these new toll roads I’d tell the government to shove their CPO up their collective hole and take a share of the toll revenue instead. In fact if I was a farmer who had already lost land to a privatised public highway I would seek a judicial review of the CPO process…
February 21st, 2007
Mr Trousers: well done
Conan: It’s a complicated story. Maybe I’ll let people add in their own bits to make it a true folk tale.
February 25th, 2007
Were they DIRTY bananas, then?
May 23rd, 2007
[…] isn’t it the same government a huge pile of mioney to the same robbers who have a bridge in the middle of a vital motorway, which we paid for to deliver their customers straight to their […]