My gift to loyalism
Posted on Thursday, February 15, 2007That splendid human Manuel Estimulo said something that gave me the idea for a new invention. It’s going to make us all rich.
Watch carefully now. This is what the loyalist politician of the future - or even the decent loyalist in the street - will be using for all his daily requirements. I’ve designed a handy electronic gadget that acts as an auto-prompter for heckling political opponents, and contains seven hundred different ways to say NO! At the push of a button, it will play the complete works of Wild Willie McCrae, say for example at a tea-party, or in a Shankill drinking club. It can also hold the entire body of speeches by the Rev Ian Paisley since the day he was born, which I think could be very useful for terrifying their opponents during a game of darts. It contains a complete Ulster-Scots dictionary and a simulated Lambeg Drum sound which can be very useful when parading through somebody’s housing estate when you don’t want anybody to know. The patterns for several thousand tattoos are stored inside it and a tiny laser can engrave any pattern on any part of your body in seconds. Additional patterns can be downloaded from the website.
For ease of use, it will be shaped like a bowler hat with the headphones discreetly hidden in the brim.
This I’m certain is the future of loyalism: welcome the iProd!
Stumble it!
February 15th, 2007
I wet meself hooting, ye sectarian renegade! Try selling a few prototypes outside Villiers.
February 15th, 2007
I want one but the only answer I can give is NO! I have something to give to all my Irish Blogging fiends er friends, half a brick with yer name inscribed on it, coming soon through a window near you July.
February 16th, 2007
If I groaned any more I’d orgasm.
:(
February 16th, 2007
Cool hat. Did you nick that off Justin Timberlake?
February 16th, 2007
A stout, manly clap on the back for such a deliciously mirthful invention. Perhaps a range of accessories is in order - the Swiss Army Sash maybe.
February 16th, 2007
conan: Jesus, do you want to get me arrested? Anyway, it’s ok. I cleared it with a number of my Prod friends, and they’ll sell them for me.
knudsen:what a good idea. A loyalist mobile phone that can can also be flung through a window. I’ll get our technicians wortking on it
swearing person: that’s women for you - always moaning
kav: it’s a nice hat, isn’t it. Mr Zucchini, who does all my illustrations, took it from his manservant, Odd-Job.
mr trousers: all suggestions along those lines will be considered. Perhaps a range of loyalist accessories would be a good move. Keep in touch about that.
February 18th, 2007
At last! Now I can march with the boys from God’s Own Country while spewing vile nigoted hatred for Catholicism!
Huzzah!
Despite the fact I am a Catholic …
February 18th, 2007
I was about to ask what the fuck is going on, no Bock posts for two days, but spotted your meditation warning in the nick of time. Relaxed are you?
February 18th, 2007
I can’t understand a word they say. It’s all “noy, noy, nerrna, noy” as far as I’m concerned. Why don’t they ever say “top of the morning ta ya” like the people in the South? I like that.
February 18th, 2007
dario: good man. Keep up the savage work.
kav: No. I’m far from relaxed. Raging bile-filled rant coming up shortly.
Mr Bananas: Faith and begorrah, sure I don’t know that at all at all.
February 18th, 2007
Add a paint-spray stencil with the word “Poles out!” and swastika, for the instantly spraying on the doors of the houses inhabited by bloody Poles.
A solid fuel (like for the stove) and the lighter could be a good addition for instantly setting the fire :)
Is the Ulster Scot is a bit similar to the Scottish lingo? After spending a years in Scotland my English is rather Scottish ;)
February 18th, 2007
Good suggestions Mackoser.
If it’s any consolation to you, some of these guys would like to burn the Irish out too.
July 12th, 2007
[…] I don’t want to talk about the Twelfth of July, except to wish Knudsen a happy birthday. I’ve already done my bit for loyalism. […]