Watch carefully now. This is what the loyalist politician of the future – or even the decent loyalist in the street – will be using for all his daily requirements. I’ve designed a handy electronic gadget that acts as an auto-prompter for heckling political opponents, and contains seven hundred different ways to say NO! At the push of a button, it will play the complete works of Wild Willie McCrae, say for example at a tea-party, or in a Shankill drinking club. It can also hold the entire body of speeches by the Rev Ian Paisley since the day he was born, which I think could be very useful for terrifying their opponents during a game of darts. It contains a complete Ulster-Scots dictionary and a simulated Lambeg Drum sound which can be very useful when parading through somebody’s housing estate when you don’t want anybody to know. The patterns for several thousand tattoos are stored inside it and a tiny laser can engrave any pattern on any part of your body in seconds. Additional patterns can be downloaded from the website.
For ease of use, it will be shaped like a bowler hat with the headphones discreetly hidden in the brim.
This I’m certain is the future of loyalism: welcome the iProd!