For a few rupees more

 Posted by on March 20, 2007  Add comments
Mar 202007
 

What’s with all this effigy-burning in the Indian sub-continent?

The last controversy I mentioned here was the Shilpa Shetty outcry in India which, you might remember, involved the famous Bollywood actress being verbally attacked by Jade Goody, a lard-monster. Well, on that occasion, there were villagers in the remotest mountain redoubts setting fire to effigies of everybody involved. Amazing.

And then, at the weekend, we saw the incredible spectacle of riots in the streets because Ireland beat Pakistan at cricket. Riots! Death-threats! More effigies!

Even more incredible is the fact that, wherever an effigy is burned, there you will find a Sky News tv crew. Isn’t it amazing how Sky is able to find out that a crowd of viillagers are about to burn an effigy, half way up the side of the Himalayas? What’s more, they’re able to find out weeks in advance because it’s no easy thing, I imagine, to get a tv crew up the side of a mountain.

Oh yes. Effigies and India. You can’t have one without the other.

I just had an idea, and it’s going to make us all rich.

I’m going to open a chain of effigy shops right across India and Pakistan. Forget the silly scarecrows you see on television. These effigies are going to of a high-class sort, yaar. Indeed. I’m going to offer the discerning effigy-burner such a range of choice that he won’t know where to turn.

What to protest next? he’ll be asking himself. All these possibilities.

I’ll start with your basic mannikin, suited to the villagers’ limited resources, but make no mistake: the quality will be the same right across the range. Your basic effigy will be anatomically correct, in case the villagers want to castrate it, or fuck it, depending on the direction their anger takes them. For a few rupees more, you can have a life-like latex mask and of course that opens up other possibilities. You might remember my idea for sex aids which continues to bring in vast quantities of money. Well, if you’re particularly enraged, you might opt for the embedded tongue-vibrator so that you can humiliate your new effigy before you set fire to it.

I mean, imagine forcing your George W Bush effigy to suck your dick before you set fire to him. If you really wanted a buzz, you could set fire to the effigy and then try to fuck it, but we’d have to print a disclaimer on the back of its neck. Fucking this dummy while on fire could lead to severe injuries. That kind of thing, you know, but these are mere details. What enraged villager would not want to have such a fine effigy?

Another step up involves implanting a voice-box so that your effigy can plead for mercy. Oh Jesus, no, not that, please, oh Jesus please not that nooooooooo! That kind of thing. It’ll cost a bit extra but it will be worth it. You can have any voice you want. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Mother Teresa. Bambi. Frodo Baggins. The Rolling Stones. Gandhi.

This is going to make us all so wealthy.

I’m preparing a special Spielberg effigy for the rich movie fuckers in Bombay. It’ll be fireproof so they can burn it over and over again every time he wins an Oscar.

kick it on kick.ie

  11 Responses to “For a few rupees more”

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  1.  

    Brilliant! What a money-spinner. They don’t call you Bock the Robber for nothing, do they? (I imagine there’s royalties change hands somewhere). Keep this up and you’ll be farting through silk by the year’s end, if you aren’t already that is.

    Now can I interest you in my idea for a range of macrobiotic, carbon free fire-lighters for the effigy burner who cares about the future of the planet?

  2.  

    Good man Bock! I walked Dublin yesterday looking for a good effigy.

    Put meself and Sweary down for a Michael McDowell one.

    Any chance you’d have one which would burn when doused with cheap cooking oil? Petrol’s gone up again.

  3.  

    I may have slagged off the Falkland Islands in a post once, then I got someone from there on my shite meter, I imagined Old Knudsen effigies being burnt all over the islands by the outraged sheep shag er I mean sheep herders.

  4.  

    Hell from Oz..

    So I’m out to dinner the other night and the Ozzies are all saying to me… “you must be really happy with the sports at the weekend mate” I start talking about the rugby…. everyone looks very confused.. “Naw mate were talking bout the Cricket” Ireland plays cricket?? I don’t f’n think so? I had heard on the news that Ireland had one but thought it was my post paddys day post day hangover…. But hey no worries mate in the end it turns out I’m kinda right… they have an ozzy captain and Pommie (Ozzie word for English wanker) players too.. phew…. thought I was going mental there for a while… I remember playing rounders in school but can’t remember them having a cricket team??????

  5.  

    Liam: Yes, this is going to make us all rich. I’ll be selling shares shortly

    Kathy: start worrying again, mate. There’s about nine or ten actual Paddies on the team. There’s even an Irish guy playing for England!

    Knudsen: I take it you mean Las Malvinas? They have a Knudsen statue there which they ritually shag once a year.

    Mr Sneeze: I’ll put my researchers on it right away.

  6.  

    You could do discount lines on damaged stock. “15% off Heather Mills while stocks last!”

  7.  

    Bock – can I pick your considerable brain on something please. Request on my site for info on Irish mortgage market if you can help ????????

  8.  

    Ooh, I’m in!

    Will there be purely recreational non-rally effigies available? You know, like for back-yard barbecues.

    Sandra and James would love it if you could come to help them burn the boss on Saturday at around 4pm. BYOB (wine and petrol.)

    Bock, you’re a genius!

  9.  

    Galwaywegian: Great plan. You can be the marketing manager.

    Flirty: I’ll burn an effigy of the Bank of Ireland for you.

    Sam: Of course there would. You could even have your own George Clooney effigy that you wouldn’t have to burn at all if you didn’t want to.

  10.  

    George’s effigy wouldn’t catch light very well anyway, on account of my drooling all over him.

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