Hail Mighty Lidl

Do you know something – I love Lidl. I’m a complete Lidl junkie. I even look up their web site a week in advance to see what the latest specials are going to be, which I suppose makes me a pikey.

Sometimes, the posh relatives might call in, and they’d look around the kitchen with a faint lip-curl of contempt. Oh, I see you bought your wine in – em, errrhh, eumhnnn, phhnnrggghhh, eh,

Lidl? I’d say. What’s your point?

Oh, nothing, they’d say, clutching their hand-woven kaftans tight around themselves. It’s just that –

Fuck off.

These people don’t realise they’re dealing with a veteran. I have a Lidl telescopic yard-brush. I have every heavy-duty rock breaker, air compressor, tile cutter and finger-masher they ever sold on special. I have lined up outside their door at seven in the morning for some ridiculous nail-gun I’ll never use just because it’s there.

Look. Just have one look at what’s coming up in Lidl and tell me this isn’t a classy outfit. Here’s the solar-powered garden gnomes they’re offering next week.

solar powered garden gnome

Now. Is that tasteful or what? I’m going to buy maybe about two hundred of them and put them out in the front garden, everywhere. On the walls. On the ground. Hanging from the windows. Above the door. On the gate. The neighbours will love me for brightening up the area, and I’m sure they’ll call around in a deputation to thank me, just like they did last year when I put up all those brightly-painted wagon-wheels, the letter-box with the horse motif and the two concrete eagles.

God, they really loved those eagles.

11 thoughts on “Hail Mighty Lidl

  1. I am with you Bock… I too am an Aldi/Lidl junkie… although I have to say I am favouring Aldi ever since Lidl had to close for a few days for a small minor RAT problem! *SHUDDER* Your post cracked me up though! :-)

  2. will says—I’m a lidl fan too-I’m enjoying a bottle of chilean merlot with lots of bangs per buck!Must purchase some more in a.m.,so Bock its just the right (or is it the left) accompaniment for a sprained wrist!

  3. I’m a sucker for the TV special offers. I’ve got the telescoping feather duster, the arm’s length bug-catcher, OxyClean, Orange Clean, any amount of miracle cloths, scrubbing brushes and swiffers, and The Best music of the 60’s. And what’s more I have two of nearly everything because I make sure always to take advantage of the “call in the next ten minutes to double your order!” bit.

    Yes, the purse-strings are safe in my hands.

  4. Lidl, filling your house with crap you didn’t know you wanted. If my mom arrives home with any more “handy kitchen gadgets” my dad is going to throw her (and her lidl gadgets) out the door!!

  5. It’s my husband who is wild for LIDL and their special offers… He actually insists on doing the grocery shopping now that he’s found all of these fab bargains. I let him off. Some of the stuff is just Yuech though c’mon, like the beans – too sugary.

  6. lidl, where seventy-two Weetabix are two euro and fifty four cent cheaper than forty-eighty in Tesco. Believe.

  7. I must have those gnomes for Mrs. Warings anniversary gift. She will love them. I may have to call my Mum and have her stop by the local Lidl.
    Sam – There is (was) an ‘As Seen on Tv’ store in the Montebello Town Center. They sell all that infomercial stuff. Ideal coz you don’t have to wait the obligatory 28 days for delivery.

  8. George: Oh, how very true

    HH:Aldi? Oooh, classy!

    Will: I hope you got properly hammered on that drunkable shite.

    Sam: Aha. I know that feeling too well.

    Maz: It’s great. Lidl is simply great. Where would you be without all those handy household things you didn’t know you needed?

    Mairéad: That’s the start of it. Wait till he starts queueing at four in the morning.

    Eddie: Yes. They’re very tasteful, I thought. Ideal for old Mother Waring, I’d imagine.

  9. Lidl sell me:

    Belgian Waffles
    Cold meats

    Usually when I’m down to my last thirty quid. I loves them for it.

  10. 30 to 40 quid spent in lidl does me for a week, on the weeks i’m too lazy to haul all the shit home on the motorbike I go to tescos.
    On sunday i spent 35 quid in tescos and i have nothign for dinner tonight as a result.

    Besides, Lidl’s jaffa cakes are infinitely superior to all other jaff related biscuits.

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