Well, it’s hard to know where to go from here. You see, originally I was going to write about the reaction in Pakistan to the defeat of their cricket team by Ireland, but in the circumstances that seems a bit insensitive. After all, a man has died and despite what you might hear about me, I’m not a complete monster.
Ok. Explanations are necessary for our transatlantic cousins. These days I’m conscious that – for whatever reason – Bock seems to have developed a substantial American readership. God knows why this is. Perhaps they recognise a fellow lunatic. A future president. No really, I’m not going to invade anywhere, I promise, but the reason I mention it is simply because of the need to explain.
So. For our American readers, here’s what’s going on. Ireland are in the Cricket World Cup. You didn’t know that? Good. Neither did I until yesterday. You’ll have gathered that cricket is not a majority sport in Ireland. Neither is [tag]rugby[/tag], except in Munster, and especially here in Limerick where it isn’t so much a [tag]sport[/tag] as a religion. Everywhere else in Ireland, rugby is a form of ritual followed by the more successful thieving classes who can afford to send their children to private schools. Thus we have a ready-made class divide. Dublin middle-class gobshites versus Limerick working-class thugs who win everything and are much better at rugby. Hahahahahaha.
Enough puerile sneering. Ireland are in the cricket world cup, and yesterday they beat Pakistan.
Now, how could I make a comparison? Well, it’s like Jamaica winning the skiing competition. It’s like Saudi Arabia winning the cross-country race. It’s like Mexico winning the World Series. Well, it isn’t but you know what I mean. It’s like Ireland beating Pakistan. In rugby terms, it’s like Pakistan beating Ireland. It’s ridiculous.
People who never heard of cricket are so excited by this that they’re saying things like Really?
Now, all this would have been great – especially on a day when we should have, but didn’t, win the six nations, except for the awful news today, that the Pakistan coach died. Appalling news, and we don’t have the full details yet, but it takes much of the gloss off the victory.
What I was originally going to write about was the reaction in Pakistan to the defeat. I thought it was great that they came out on the streets burning effigies and demanding the execution of the team captain and the management. Great, I said. that’s the kind of spirit we need in Ireland. Fuck it, if we had that kind of support for our soccer team, we wouldn’t be hammered by the likes of Cyprus, for fucksake. But then, when I heard that a man had actually died as a result of all the maledictions, I began to revise my view.
I began to think, what if? The thought occurred to me, how could we build a following in Pakistan? It just seems obvious to me that this is the future of Irish soccer. I mean, what a great thing it would be if, every time we get beaten by some unknown tiny European island team of barbers and postmen, our supporters would start to focus. And they would beam evil thoughts at the Football Association of Ireland. And the FAI would all drop dead.