Power Stations to Burn Meat

Some headlines just grab you, don’t they?

What?? Yep, there it is on the front page: Plan for power stations to burn meat.

It seems this is part of the government’s plan to reduce greenhouse emissions. Apparently meat and bone-meal are considered to have zero emissions because they’re renewable, and therefore they can be burnt without increasing the amount of greenhouse gas in the atmosphere. (I suppose that would be if you leave aside the grillions of tons of methane produced by great farting herds of Brazilian cattle. Some day, I’m going to creep up on one of these gigantic herds of cattle with a box of gigantic matches. Woo-hooo!!)

Anyway, that’s the plan. Instead of spending a pile of money to export waste meat for disposal, we’re going to burn it instead and produce electricity from it. I think this is a great idea but, as usual here in Ireland, we’re not developing it to its true potential. I mean, if we were thinking clearly, we could breed a new strain of Kamikaze cattle and raise them in the fields around our power stations. Every morning, we’d open a gate and three hundred of them would charge straight into the furnace screaming Banzai!! or God is great!! or maybe just Mooohahaha!! What a great idea. You plant the seed. The seed becomes grass. The grass becomes cows. The cows jump into the fire. And that’s how we boil the kettle.

If meat is such a good power source, we could use this idea in all sorts of ways. For instance, every ship could have a huge scoop below the water line, and it could just suck up as many fish as it needs to burn when crossing the Atlantic. What a great idea! Of course, you couldn’t use it for jet-planes, but I can foresee a return to the age of the hot air balloon. I can see myself on the bridge of my mighty airship, barking orders at the captain. More Brent geese in the boilers if you please, Mr Baines!

Fantastic. We could breed vast herds of very large creatures with no intelligence whatever, and only three instincts: to breed, eat grass and jump into boilers. In its way, this would be true solar power, and furthermore would save on transport costs and emissions, because the field of grass runs to the power station and jumps in, with no human intervention.

You could imagine little spin-off benefits too. Funerals, for example, would be revolutionised. Say you have a detested relative who finally croaks and you have to get rid of the old bastard, but you don’t want to pay a gravedigger. A huge problem for many people these days, or at least, it was a problem up to now. When the power stations are up and running, you can bring the vile old pervert up there in a handcart, throw him on a weighing scale and they’ll estimate his calorific value. Then, they’ll give you hard cash for every Joule of energy he’s going to feed back into the electricity grid. Which means that you and your relatives can go off to the pub and get drunk on the proceeds without having to dip into your own pocket.

Jesus, this is a great plan, and it’s going to make us all rich.

Stumble it!