It’s very difficult to own a dog. Very. It’s hard. Dogs demand a great amount from their owners, and anyone who tries to tell you that pets lower your blood pressure should be shot down in the street like a – well, like a dog.
I have, as you probably know, two dogs. Satan and Dermot.
Dermot is a fool. A dimwit who follows any passing pedestrian. A cretin. A moron. A half-wit.
Satan is rather different.
Jimbo and I went for a walk with our collective doggery yesterday, down around Plassey and the University area. It’s our favourite walk because it’s nice to stroll beside the beautiful River Shannon, especially in the wonderful weather we’ve been having lately. It takes about an hour, which isn’t a huge burden and what’s more, we get a bit of exercise too. The dogs get to run through the fields and chase creatures into bushes. Occasionally, Satan gets to kill something, but it’s usually something you’d want killed anyway, so we don’t mind too much.
The University is building an amazing footbridge across the Shannon – did I mention that before? An astonishing elevated thing that meanders among the islands on the river and connects the Limerick side of the campus with the Clare side. Wonderful. I’ve always loved that part of the Shannon. We used to swim there as kids, and paddle flat-bottomed boats down the river. You can still sit on the bank and wait for the trout and salmon to jump in the evening.
It’s lovely, and guess what? Who do you think is building the bridge? Eiffel!! That’s who. The same people who built that tower over there in Franceland.
Won’t it be nice? Anyway, that isn’t what I started to talk about. What I started to talk about was dogs. During our walk by the River Shannon, Jimbo looked around and said
One . . . Two . . . eh, Three?
Eh, no, actually. No Dermot. Why not? Very simple: Dermot gone. Dermot wandered off because Dermot completely stupid, and therefore we spend another thirty minutes driving around looking for the completely dense, incompetent, but very friendly and cute Dermot. We found him at last, following – what else? – two old men and a little grand-daughter walking their dogs.
We pulled up beside them, and I leaned out the window.
Jesus, thanks lads. I’m very-
That was as far as I got before Satan jumped past me out the window and savaged both of the poor old men’s mutts and a little timid creature led by the screaming child. We left in a cloud of smoke with the old men shaking their fists at us and the little girl giving a statement to the University security people.
Satan is a problem.