I see they’re out burning effigies in India again. Shilpa Shetty, to be precise, which is great for me. Great for business. It’s wonderful to see such a high-profile figure being effigy-burnt. I must get onto my regional manager and instruct him to increase the output of Shilpa-effigies. Hire more child labour! I’ll bark at him.
They’re upset at Shilpa for being kissed by Richard Gere and to be honest it’s hard to blame them. After all, this is a man walking around with a ferret up his arse, or maybe it’s a wildebeest – I always get them confused. Anyway, India, as you know, is a land of very strict morals (apart from when they’re burning young brides, of course), and people there have traditionally frowned on men keeping any sort of animal up their arses.
It’s just not on! as one outraged Delhi resident explained. We don’t approve of any wildlife living in the bodily cavities.
When pressed, he went on to explain that the prohibition is total.
Yes yes yes, he said, it’s not just the ferret in the arsehole. We also disapprove of water buffalo, mongoose, meerkat, sheep, sparrow-hawk, tiger, crocodile, Brahmini duck, green turtle, Jade Goody, fruit bat and donkey.
Hmm, we nodded. Of course, Richard Gere would have had all of those species up his arse at some time in his life. Or even all together.
Exactly, shouted the outraged Delhi resident. The greatest shame any woman can bring on her family is to be kissed by a man with a multiple arse-menagerie.