Talking to myself

 Posted by on April 12, 2007  Add comments
Apr 122007

Do you ever talk to yourself out loud? You know, like when you’re completely pissed off for no particular reason that you can put your finger on, and you wander around the house muttering to yourself. Or worse – walking in the street muttering to yourself. Fuckin bastard. I’ll find out where you live and I’ll pour a nest of ants through your letterbox.

I do that kind of thing.

I could be in the middle of a crowd, strolling along having an entire conversation with myself. Both sides.

Hmmm. I can see your point, but on the other hand –

I know.

Stop finishing my fucking –


Yes! It’s really –

I know. Irritating.

People nudge each other with their elbows and frown in my direction, nodding.

Sometimes, I find myself re-enacting entire conversations I’ve had with someone, except this time, I get all the best bits. Witty devastating one-liners like Fuck you, you fat prick!!

I even laugh out loud and sing snatches of music-hall standards, or maybe a bit of Gilbert and Sullivan. I am the very model of a modern major-general. It’s less common, I find, to unconsciously cover the White Stripes, though lately I notice I’ve been singing ’bout my doorbell, when ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it? I rarely find myself mouthing Slayer songs, but that’s mainly because I don’t know any and I’ve never actually heard Slayer.

I suppose it must be evidence of passive-aggressive behaviour, or something. Maybe I take shit from people and then go off and rework history so that I look like the hero. That would work all right, and it would make a lot of sense except that it isn’t true. If people hassle me, I tend to tell them to fuck off. Hmmm. What could it be then? I worry about the day when I find myself making loud animal noises at a meeting.

I don’t know. Is this normal?

  13 Responses to “Talking to myself”

Comments (13)

    Get a hands free phone to cover it up.


    I’m sure it must be normal, as I do it all the time.


    Is this normal? I don’t know. I ask myself this sometimes.


    Talking to yourself, huh? Just by the way, have you had a tickle in your throat recently, maybe first thing in the morning? Uh-huh. And – I’m just asking hypothetically, you understand – so have you had any troublesome little hypothetical rashes latey? Hmm, I see. And, tell me, Bock just between ourselves, like, have you found yourself naked in the garden at midnight with a lacrosse stick, a pickled egg and a foolish grin on your face?
    Ah, you’ll be fine, not to worry. I’d prepare a lovely meal if I were you. Maybe write a few lines to people dear to you. Relax.


    (Aside to the others): Run! Run for your lives, commenters! He’ll be dead within the hour and it’s catching!!


    We’ll miss you, Bocksy. (Weep)

    OH (wail) GOD! IT’S (convulsive sob) SO UNFAIR!



    Things only get really worrying when you start ignoring yourself and giving yourself the silent treatment. It’s also terribly confusing.


    I pretend I’m a silent movie film star and just mouth the words melodramatically.


    I’ve been doing that for years, especially remembering conversations and then changing the scenarios to make it more interesting. All done out loud of course. I talk out loud going down the street all the time. I just find it hard to think without vocalising.

    I’m certain I have ADHD and I’d say thats the reason behind my weird behavior.

    on the other hand, it could be genetic cos my mother does it a bit too.


    At least I get sensible replies.

    As for finishing sentences, my old auntie was a genius at that.

    “Auntie, I think I’m just going to—“


    “Have a bath, I was going to say.”


    keeping your mouth closed and having conversationsations with yourself through your nose usually provokes an interesting response.


    I don’t know about normal but I do it all the time. Really? Oh yes. Why? Why not? It’s harmless and I enjoy it. OK then.


    “Get a hands free phone to cover it up.”



    Knudsen: It would need to be a big hands-free phone

    Fat Sparrow: Indeed. It seems we all have this problem.

    Mr Sneeze: Likewise. What is one to do?

    Sam:It’s all right. Luckily the Easter-effect also revives Bock-people.

    Conortje: I’ve done that. Bastard.

    MJ: Melodramatically, you say? Great plan.

    Niall: ADHD. There might be a grant for it.

    Mr Warmington: I have an ancient auntie. Perhaps I should bathe her.

    Galwaywegian: Conversationsations through my noseose is provoving diffifficult.

    Mr Headley: Nice to see you. What you describe is exactly it. Are you really me?

    Annie: What can one say? It’s Knudsen, who has no manners.

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