Despatch #003.17(k)
Posted on Friday, June 22, 2007Ok. Now listen up. I managed to escape the Monastery with Disparager.
Repeat: I have Disparager. I have taken him to The Island where he will be kept by our Associates for exactly 3 (say THREE) days. The search for us is very intense but I feel slightly more optimistic about our survival now.
By now, I expect our side will have destroyed the Monastery and the filthy Thing at its core but I have no way of verifying this. If you have further info please let me know. It is unlikely that I will be able to restore comms with you for the next three days, but I might be able to receive incoming.
Disparager has already provided much of the information required of him, and I have invoked Protocol Nine by assuring him of a safe passage out of Country H-Delta.. This decision is irrevocable. Do not attempt to alter any of the codes previously supplied as they are all now redundant and should be destroyed.
I have been slightly injured during the operation but we have activated a capable sleeper medic and I should be all right. Sadly, we have also lost one good man in a firefight. Move on: he knew the risks as did I.
I will talk to you again soon and many thanks, my friends, for your support during these days. You will never know how much it has meant to us all.
Stumble it!
June 22nd, 2007
Did you find the jade monkey? Repeat: did you find the jade monkey. I’ve been looking everywhere for the fucking thing.
June 22nd, 2007
Ah, Mr Bock, you thought you had eluded me. You can’t stay in hiding forever. You have something that belongs to me and I will find it. Oh yes, oh yes. Yes YES YES YES!!! Thank you Miss Aqualung. As for you, Mr Bock, I’m sending my finest assassin after you.
June 22nd, 2007
It’s a good trick Bock but nobody is fooled. We have the coordinates. Missiles are being launched as we speak.
June 22nd, 2007
I nearly had him but he slipped out of my sights with such diabolical cunning that I believe he may actually be more evil than we are.
He did that cartoon thing and hid, impossibly, behind a very skinny sapling. I was caught off my guard as I prowled impressively down the street, kicking over dust cans for coolness, and leaping into shooting position 2 (the half-crouch) quite a lot. He threw a banana skin in my path and I fell, scuffing my best black leather assassin’s breeks. He leapt out, quipped blithely about my “dropping in on him” and bound me tightly with simple twine which, I must admit, did excite me the tiniest bit. My bosom heaved and my leather bodice squeaked in betrayal of it. He winked at me, saying “Later, baby.”
Then, in an unexpected move, he ate a fish in that drilling left to right typewriter way Top Cat does, sang a short lament for his homeland, and bounded off down the road. I was set free by a passing Cub Scout who’d just got his knot badge.
He’s simply unlike anyone I’ve ever seen before; he’s suave, precociously dangerous, and his lament was really quite affecting.
Comrade Dicksparager, better make it your biggest, angriest missile. Paint a frown on it or something. This man’s damn near invincible.
June 23rd, 2007
I told you he was good. If he fails, I have trained alsations to shoot lasers. You can’t escape. No you can’t no no NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOO stop it, Miss Aqualung. Even the most evil amongst us have standards.
June 23rd, 2007
Damn you, assassin! You have disturbed me from my cat stroking for the last time. If you don’t bring me the head of that slimey, fish-eating Bock, I’ll rend the very flesh from your body. Oh yeah, that’s right, you got it not now, Miss Aqualung. I’m working
I am giving you one last chance to get rid of Agent Bock.
June 23rd, 2007
Bock, you are not Bourne.
Repeat, you are not Bourne.
Do not trust anyone. Including us. (Or fancy-looking power-dressed women with access to foreign bank accounts and 6-inch heels.)
Sniper at 10 o’clock.
Duck for shit’s sake!
And watch those shiny mirror shades, the sun is glinting off them. I thought you knew better.
See under the flat rock at the northern tip of Fernandina 0° N 91° W. You will find your saddle.
June 23rd, 2007
Time is short. Blowhard has discovered mother goose. Staple the postcard to the zebra’s back. Repeat: Staple the postcard to the zebra’s back. And don’t forget - and this is vital - tickle the sturgeon’s belly. Repeat:tickle the sturgeon’s belly.
Shit, there’s Blowhard’s assassin brandishing some short blunt vibrating device. Damn… what the… what are you doing with th… O DEAR GOD!!! Where are you putting it… you… ahh…. Moooon River, wider than a mile…
June 24th, 2007
Bock come home ! your comments page is being attacked by bad graphic novel/script writers.
June 24th, 2007
I’ve managed to reluctantly escape the clutches of Blowhard’s assassin and her curious vibrating weapon. We had a smoke afterwards and spoke about flowers and meadows and little kittens…. AHEM…. sorry, I am making preparations for Bock’s return. We will need a pilot, someone who’s good with a lathe, a small chicken, a budgie and a length of angle iron.
I was going to use my pet chicken, Nuggets, but I just don’t have the heart.
June 25th, 2007
hey, do a treatment…fedex it to me asap..my agent is interested..i think we’ve got a deal, sugar
June 25th, 2007
Oh I’ll give him a treatment - a treatment of DEATH. MMMUUUAAHHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAA… cough…. HAAHHHAAAHHHAAAHHHAAA!!
There’s a good pussy - who’s Blowie’s little doopiedumpalunkalings?
You have the right to remain dead, Mr Bock. Should you waive that right, anything you scream will be taken down in torture against you. You have the ri… yes, hang it there. No, that’s crooked.
June 25th, 2007
three words:
pree scrip shun!
June 25th, 2007
doopiedumpalunkalings???
Jaysus, where’s Bock?
June 25th, 2007
Basher ought seven
Basher ought seven
Transmission received
proceed as instructed
21-bravo will have your six by 2300
34-hotel has made the drop
again
34-hotel has made the drop
again
proceed as instructed
Gods speed
transmission terminated
June 25th, 2007
45deg 21′ N 13deg 47′E
Diversions in place.
God Speed.
June 25th, 2007
Measaim fhéin go bhfuil an digger díreach tar éis tig Bhoick a fhágáil agus go bhfuil sé fhéin sa seomra folctha agus mé ag scríobh. Beidh sé ag bloggáil tar éis cupla deoch. Nó leath dosaein díobh.
June 25th, 2007
O Dear God, Ludlum’s speaking in tongues.
June 27th, 2007
Tongue.
And that wasn’t me. It was Bock giving a secret message to QJS.