Feeling Sick

 Posted by on June 1, 2007  Add comments
Jun 012007
 

I wasn’t feeling too great there a few weeks ago. Not great at all. I was feeling dizzy and shaky. A bit wobbly. Of course, being me, it couldn’t have just been some kind of a virus. No. It had to be a heart attack, so I went to see my doctor, who looked at me and said , Well. What’s wrong with you?

How the fuck do I know? I said. You’re the doctor.

Well, what are your symptoms?

I’m dizzy, I said. And shaky. And this is not normal for me. Not even after a month of drunkenness, Latvian hookers and brown mescalin. So what the fuck is wrong with me?

Roll up your sleeve, he said. I’ll check your blood pressure.

Now, I don’t know what you’re like, but the minute anyone tries to take my blood pressure, I go as tense as a Paisley in a whorehouse.

Hmm, he said. It’s a bit elevated.

How elevated? I said.

A bit, he muttered.

How fucking elevated?

150. Ish.

Ish? I said. Ish?? You checked it a month ago when I had the medical for the international assassins course and it was about 40.

No, he said. If it was that low, you’d be dead. It was 120.

Well, I said. I was as fit as Linford Christie.

No, he said. Your body wasn’t full of growth hormones.

All right, I said. I was as healthy as someone very healthy. One month ago!

True, he said, but I wouldn’t worry about this too much. I’ll take some samples and send them away for tests.

Oh Jesus Christ, I howled. Tests! Anyone I ever knew who had tests died. Tests are fucking fatal. You get them back from the hospital and die immediately from knob cancer.

Come back in a week, he said. And if you’re really worried, go out and buy one of those blood-pressure machines. Keep an eye on yourself.

So I did. I bought one of those machines. You put a cuff around your arm, hit a button and it inflates. Then it gives you a digital read-out of your blood pressure. Now, as I said, I’m not good with doctors and health things. I get edgy and agitated, like most of my breed, I suspect, so when I tried the machine, I was a bit worried. And I was right to be worried because my blood pressure was up to 180. Fuck!

I spent a week on death row before going back to the doctor. He had a sheaf of printouts, like the ones you get when you bring your car in for the test. Emissions. Tracking. Beam alignment.

Well, I said, am I going to die?

You are, he said. Hahahahahahahaha!

Fuck off, I said. You know what I mean.

Well, he said, it’s all clear, though you’d want to watch the old cholesterol a bit.

So I’m all right? I said. My blood pressure was through the roof again this morning.

We’ll check it, he said. Now – look. 120.

So what was wrong with me?

Ah, he said. They think it was a bit of a virus. Keep an eye on the blood pressure for a while and if it goes up again, come back.

I tried the machine on the dog when I got home. He’s fine apart from a broken rib.

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Also

A visit to the specialist

A visit to the doctor

kick it on kick.ie

  9 Responses to “Feeling Sick”

Comments (7) Pingbacks (2)
  1.  

    The blood pressure thing wrecks my head simply because of the way they measure it: Oh, you’re X over Y. They never explain to anyone just what the fek that means.

    I went and found out for myself. My father asked me to explain it one day while were waiting in the clinic. It’s kind of like your download speed over your upload. I should have used a different analogy with an 84 year old man who referred to computers as ready-reckoners.

  2.  

    LMAO @ I tried the machine on the dog when I got home. He’s fine apart from a broken rib.

  3.  

    How much was the blood pressure machine do you mind me asking. The Husband has a dicky ticker and high blood pressure

  4.  

    Mr Sneeze: It’s all about keeping us mystified.

    Ellie: You should try it. it’s great fun.

    Ellen: Have a look in Boots.

  5.  

    HAHAHAHA!!! LMAO! im the same though, as soon as I hear blood pressure test, I immediatly feel my heart racing!! keep it up Bock, ur a funny soul :)

  6.  

    by the way, hows the dog doin?? :) :)

  7.  

    I wonder if the GPs are doing a deal with the ol’ blood pressure machine people? A good friend of mine had an almost identical experience to yours a couple of weeks ago!

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