Golf: the reason God made lightning

Isn’t it just as well we didn’t bring the cattle out golfing? said Jimbo.

‘Tis, I replied, considering the ferocity of the lightning storm at present bursting about our heads.

Exactly, he concurred. In a less ferocious lightning storm we’d have been ok.

We both went quiet for a minute, peacefully contemplating my dog Satan chewing an illegal immigrant.

What would you say it’s for? Jimbo said after a long pause.



Oh, I told him, it’s God’s way of killing golfers.

And cattle, he added.

True, I agreed.

Anything that damages the environment, in other words.

Jimbo is very well informed, and so I didn’t immediately sneer at him, as I normally would.

How do golfers damage the environment? I asked. Do they fart a lot?

Possibly, he replied, but that’s not the main reason. Mostly it’s by flattening tropical rain forest to build golf courses where they shouldn’t be.

I heard they make chopsticks out of the trees and sell them to the Japanese.

Indeed, he said. That’s golfers for you.

My main reason for hating golfers, I offered, is the stupid yellow sweaters they wear.

Jimbo nodded. And the silly shoes with the little fringe over the laces.

Yeah, I said. And the Argyll socks.

And the fact that it’s only a sport in the same way that darts might be a sport.

Certainly. That too. And Barbra Streisand concerts.

Jimbo looked pensive for a moment. Where do they get the most lightning in the world?

At a guess, I replied, the spot with the most lightning probably lies deep in the mountains of eastern Democratic Republic of the Congo near the small village of Kifuka (elevation 3200 feet, 970 m).

Well, said Jimbo, that’s where we’ll have to build our golf course and turn it into a top resort that will attract golfers from all over the world.

Great idea, I congratulated him. I’ll get onto my people straight away and tell them to start clearing the rain forest.


12 thoughts on “Golf: the reason God made lightning

  1. … hogging all that beautiful land for a few filthy rich darts-equivalent-players, when it could be available to the community …

    … pretending they’re getting exericise while they float around in golf carts, and young caddies carry their bags …

  2. Oh, I hate that those fuckers exploit the poor caddies to lug about their gear. Not to mention that in the U.S. there are still clubs that don’t allow Jewish and black golfers.

  3. I took a couple of golf lessons (birthday gift). Let me just say this.

    The golf pro had me FAR AWAY from the golfers.

    See, I’d swing and miss. So naturally, I’d holler, “MoFo.” Apparently, that was “offensive” to the “real” golfers.

    So golfers everywhere, kiss my ass!

  4. Alan Hansen is a great golfer apparently. I tried it once or twice but made a balls of it, literally.

  5. In fairness, ladies can only post comments mondays and wednesdays before 11.00am providing they park at the rear end of the clubhouse. Some people never know their place!

  6. I do believe an tAthair Ted covered this lightning/golf issue. I can understand how this would worry you there and you caught between Lahinch, Adare and Ballybunion, not to mind the lesser courses and johnny-come-latelys like Doonbeg. You’re surrounded by golf, god love you. I hear the British Open starts tomorrow, what odds would you get on a player being struck by lightning

  7. Why are these women bullshitters so concerned bout golf and golfers – its a sport and by definition nothing to do with them, less they’re lesbians. If not they have knitting and ironing and these can de done inside away from the weather.

    Keep cool!

  8. I’ve an annoying relative who wears the full golf outfit even when he’s nowhere near a golf course.

    I would like to offer him up to the lightning Gods if you’ll grant me the opportunity.

  9. A while back Tom Humph wrote something nasty about the Smurfit Ryder Cup organising committee and they complained to his editor re: same, telling the paper that Tom personally was verboten from the whole shebang. He wrote another article calling them Pringle Nazis and explained why they couldn’t ( verboten him ). Bock, the golf, cattle and lightening thing is funny and too easy to laugh at but, but there are loads of Joe Soap punters who get a kick out of golf and the municipal course above in Rathbane is more Rianna then Barbara Streisand. But that said, how about golf’s own breaking story of racism and discrimination against the best golfer on the planet, ever. Apparently his first club ( ex-US army types ) refused to display the US amateur cup thingy, the first time he won it. Tiger & Co. were hurted. All right so, I’ve been on hols. hiding out in west Clare trying to stay dry, reading official oireland’s own favourite golf loving rag so I’m biased.

  10. Nora: That’s it. Feel the hatred.

    Medbh: There’s a club in Dublin that doesn’t allow women.

    HillCountryGal: I think you’ll fit in fine here.

    Tim: I hate Alan Hansen. All the more reason to have lightning.

    Galwaywegian: I’ll draw up some rules and post them at the gate.

    Conan: Wouldn’t it be terrible if the British Open was fried by a giant thunderbolt?

    Dan Dare: I agree with everything you say except one thing. It isn’t a sport.

    MJ: Send a photo of the prick after you sacrifice him.

    S&C: Yeah. It is too easy to laugh at, isn’t it? Yuk. Yuk. Yuk.

  11. I always understood that golf is not a sport and all lady golfers are lesbians. Celebrity golfers are probably the worst. Pompous twats farting about in ridiculous outfits and putting a ball around somewhere which could be a wilderness not a grown up fun park for wankers.

  12. rockmother – a good wank should not be underestimated! take “golfers” out of ur 2nd sentence & I agree.

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