Di and Dodi Done Down in Dastardly Deed

Mother Teresa checked her watch for the hundredth time. It was dark in the tunnel. Dark, cold and damp.

Where the fuck are they? she half-muttered, half-snarled.

The old nun revved the big Mack diesel into a steady, brooding growl.

Come on, whispered Mother Teresa. Come on!

Somewhere in the city, a man and woman slipped away from the reporters and climbed into a top-range Mercedes-Benz. They were happy. They were in love and they were together.

Mother Teresa scowled and lit a cigar. Her camouflaged combat-habit was wet from the swim, her calves ached after the climb, and she had a nasty gash on her shoulder where the sentry nearly got her with his bayonet before she’d finished him off.

Damn you, Dodi, she spat. Damn you, Di! If I can’t have him, then no woman will.

Her wrinkles softened, twirled, blended and intertwined as she remembered those carefree days on the Adriatic islands, running together hand-in-hand among the palm-trees. People sighed and said they were the perfect couple. And those long nights of passion!

Ah, thought Mother Teresa, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!

Meanwhile, a young couple hurtled towards their doom in a top-range Mercedes-Benz, a young couple in love, and rich. Rich, in love and doomed. The top-range Mercedes-Benz powered into the tunnel at high speed, alone except for thirty-four hired cars full of photographers.

As the headlights swept into view, Mother Teresa gunned the huge Mack truck, hauling a hundred tons of holy water, straight into the path of the speeding Mercedes-Benz.

Die!! , screamed the saintly old nun. Die Dodi!! Die Di!! Die! Die! Die!

The highly-trained MI5 driver swerved out of the behemoth’s way but it was too late.

In the confusion nobody noticed a poor, simple, camouflaged eighty-year-old Albanian nun drive away in a giant articulated tanker truck.

Nobody, that is, except Elton John, who leaned against a concrete pillar, quietly singing the words of his new song, Sandals in the Bin.

It might be goodbye for now, Mother Teresa, he murmured, but not forever.



While you’re at it, have a look at previous:

Mother Teresa, the Crook

Mother Teresa, Footballing Legend


14 thoughts on “Di and Dodi Done Down in Dastardly Deed

  1. Oh sweet fucking jeebus, that’s funny, Bock. The graphics are killer, too.
    It’s a wonder that she didn’t wind up as Satan’s bitch on South Park instead of Hussein.
    Canada’s full of Anglophiles so it’s been Diana 24/7 here.

  2. I like the Albanian Blue Nun for the Di-Do deed, she really puts the frau into liebefraumilch. But you should check out Eoin McNamee’s recent book (fiction) where he suggests the Order of the Solar Temple was a front for thems what done it.

  3. Ellen: Yes indeed. Laughing is important.

    Laurie: Perhaps you’re onto something there. I’ll investigate further.

    Hillcountrygal: Glad you enjoy.

    MJ: Well spotted. It is indeed the miserable old git.

    b3n: Now you have the facts.

    Flirty: Yeah. I quit the Miserable Tea a while back.

    Mairéad: Yes.

    Medbh: Why don’t you have a word with those Southpark guys and make us all rich? Good plan or what?

    Conan: I’ll check it out. Thanks. But Mother Teresa really did kill Di. It’s true.

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