Mother Teresa checked her watch for the hundredth time. It was dark in the tunnel. Dark, cold and damp.
Where the fuck are they? she half-muttered, half-snarled.
The old nun revved the big Mack diesel into a steady, brooding growl.
Come on, whispered Mother Teresa. Come on!
Somewhere in the city, a man and woman slipped away from the reporters and climbed into a top-range Mercedes-Benz. They were happy. They were in love and they were together.
Mother Teresa scowled and lit a cigar. Her camouflaged combat-habit was wet from the swim, her calves ached after the climb, and she had a nasty gash on her shoulder where the sentry nearly got her with his bayonet before she’d finished him off.
Damn you, Dodi, she spat. Damn you, Di! If I can’t have him, then no woman will.
Her wrinkles softened, twirled, blended and intertwined as she remembered those carefree days on the Adriatic islands, running together hand-in-hand among the palm-trees. People sighed and said they were the perfect couple. And those long nights of passion!
Ah, thought Mother Teresa, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!
Meanwhile, a young couple hurtled towards their doom in a top-range Mercedes-Benz, a young couple in love, and rich. Rich, in love and doomed. The top-range Mercedes-Benz powered into the tunnel at high speed, alone except for thirty-four hired cars full of photographers.
As the headlights swept into view, Mother Teresa gunned the huge Mack truck, hauling a hundred tons of holy water, straight into the path of the speeding Mercedes-Benz.
Die!! , screamed the saintly old nun. Die Dodi!! Die Di!! Die! Die! Die!
The highly-trained MI5 driver swerved out of the behemoth’s way but it was too late.
In the confusion nobody noticed a poor, simple, camouflaged eighty-year-old Albanian nun drive away in a giant articulated tanker truck.
Nobody, that is, except Elton John, who leaned against a concrete pillar, quietly singing the words of his new song, Sandals in the Bin.
It might be goodbye for now, Mother Teresa, he murmured, but not forever.
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