Ratzair

 Posted by on August 28, 2007  Add comments
Aug 282007
 

I see the Vatican has started its own airline.

Ratzair, I believe they’re calling it.

The first flight was yesterday and went from Rome to Lourdes, but they’ll also serve Fatima, Mount Sinai and Santiago.

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Ja, confirmed a spokesman for the Vatican, We haff the plan for den Heiligeflug to alles the Heilige shrines in der Welt. Und we intend in the long running the entire Welt in the overtaking machen. Mwoohahaha!

Cabin crew will wear the normal ecclesiastical attire and service will be provided by a highly trained team of priests and nuns. Anyone refusing to eat the food will be sexually abused, severely beaten and forced to sit out out on the wing until they learn their lesson. In-flight entertainment will be compulsory, and will mostly comprise old Charlton Heston movies.

There’s one big advantage in flying to places like Lourdes. It really keeps the cost of maintenance down, and these savings can be passed on to the customers. For example, if a tyre bursts, or an engine explodes or something, it will be no problem. The runway will have to be extended, of course, but once this work is complete, the pilot can simply taxi straight into the water and out the other side. The puncture will be fixed and the exploded engine will be ticking over like a mouse’s heart.

Terrific. If they had this in the old days, Mother Teresa wouldn’t have needed to use Baby Doc Duvalier’s private jet.

They also plan to buy a water bomber and drop thousands of gallons of Lourdes water on AIDS-affected parts of Africa. Of course, this will mean the end of disease, but since they’re against contraception, they’re still working on the famine part of the plan. I don’t know if Lourdes water is any good against famine.

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Many thanks to Dickler for graphics

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More fuckin blasphemy here

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kick it on kick.ie

  13 Responses to “Ratzair”

Comments (13)
  1.  

    What, no flights to Knock? I sense Monsignor Horan shtirrin’ in his grave… Will there be a mile high club? Their anthem would be ‘Nearer My God to Thee’, unless it’s too ecumenical for the current incumbent?

  2.  

    Are you going to the Electric Picnic Bock? I don’t want to miss you again if you are…

  3.  

    Conan: No Knock flights yet. Which is a pity. We’ll keep an eye on them though.

    Annie: I’m out of luck. No tickets.

  4.  

    Presumably there will be direct flights to Fatima and Medjugorje? Or is the latter not yet properly certified?

    On an aside, did Mamma T. really avail herself of Baby Doc’s plane?

    I’m already imagining a delicious screenplay about that…

  5.  

    Jovica: Watch this space for a comprehensive piece on the Medugorje crew.

    And yes, Mother T did use Baby Doc’s plane. Well, you could hardly expect the head of a multi-billion-dollar operation to be poor, now could you?

  6.  

    I always wanted to do Club Medj… its the whole nun-fantasy 18-30 thing that i feel i missed out on… ok , there are inside words and outside words…those were inside words..

  7.  

    We can’t do flights to Knock in case planning permission for the Airport is withdrawn after the plane takes off.

  8.  

    Heehee! Hilarious, Bock.
    What a phallic symbol.
    Guess they don’t need safety equipment since Rat’s infallible, right? No danger of a crash.

  9.  

    I heard that due to low mass attendance figures they will be dumping bales of stale holy communion wafers over countries afflicted with famine on freight flights every Monday.

  10.  

    Bock 3:16

  11.  

    i have a spare electric pinic ticket

  12.  

    And have you heard of their new line in cigarette papers – Ratzla, for a holy smoke…

  13.  

    Back to your best, fair play. Might see you later in our fav watering hole.

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