Well, I waited overnight and still haven't heard from the chewing-gum killer. So now I'll start calling him by his real first name. Maybe he'll get in contact.
First I sent him this:
Hi there Alan.
Just to let you know that I've posted the first version of my report on your threatening emails. You can find it on www.bocktherobber.com.
Keep watching for further updates.
Best wishes
Bock
There was no reply, so I sent him this:
Hi Alan
Look, just to remind you that the first Bock post is up.
I haven't heard anything from you recently, and I wanted to give you the opportunity to respond.
Would you mind getting back to me and unequivocally withdrawing your threat please.
Best wishes
Bock
There was still no reply, so I wrote again:
Hi Alan
It's been quite a while since you last contacted me, and I don't seem to have an answer to my previous few emails.
Look, Alan, I need a reply from you to explain that it was all a ghastly mistake, but more importantly, to prove that you really exist. You see, I'm starting to think that you're just an invented name, and that the threatening email actually came from [company name omitted] management.
For that reason, tomorrow I propose to publish your name, your email address, the IP address your emails came from and the name of [company name omitted].
On Monday, I propose to contact [company name omitted] directly with the details of emails sent to me from their network, and request them to refer the matter to the Gardai. If they don't, I propose to refer it to the Gardai myself.
If this has all been a a terrible mistake by you, please get back to me immediately.
Bock
That was last night, and I still haven't heard from him. I'm hurt. Deeply.
It's amazing really, when all it would take is an apology and the whole thing would go away. Interestingly enough, despite Alan's declaration that he'd never return, he spent all of last night monitoring this site.
Isn't that strange?
I just sent him this:
Hi Alan
I see you changed your mind about returning to bocktherobber.com.
You logged off a bit early to catch the latest post, so I'll just bring you up to date.
I've publicised your first name but not your surname. To be fair to you, I won't do this until later because you obviously work a night shift if you're using your employer's network at four in the morning. You logged off at about noon today and you were on since 01:15, so you probably had a twelve-hour shift and you'll need your sleep.
After you get a chance to freshen up, have a read of the latest post about you, and it will be clear that all you need to do is apologise. A lot of people are writing in advising me to go public with all the details, but I don't want to do this if it can be avoided.
As I said, a sincere and genuine apology will set my mind at rest that you are who you say you are. Failing that, I'll have no option but to contact [company name omitted] over the coming day or two.
Regards
Bock.
————————————–
The Confession of the Chewing Gum Killer
thats the spirit:) ahhhh alan you sorry twit :) ya wond do that again in a hurry now will you :) Nice one Bock :) and it was a pleasure meeting you the other night too :)
Jeez, Bock, I'm scared myself not to mind our friend Alan!!! I've seldom "met" a man who really, really means what he says (YOU!) – I admire that quality. I'm still scrared though! Alan, no more death threats ok, go and apologise wudja and finish this thing. Next time just tell Bock you don't agree with him.
Ooops I meant "scared" of course.
You're such a drama queen, Bock.
Hiya Bock, just checking in. I think Alan is short for Alanger. Don't be too upset by his mindless threat. The sad bastard is probably employed by the gum factory to check the quality control on the product. Lets hope some day he'll try a stick of extra-strong high-tack gum, and he'll be silenced for ever. Imagine trying to chat up a bird and she says 'I'm a barrister with my own boobs, brains and BMW' and you say 'I chew gum for a living…basically my job is passing chewing gum…" Bit of a social no-no, eh?
Relax dude. You'ver got some highly dangerous friends to look after you.
Nuts
this is so exciting! you really do get them going dontcha? brilliant stuff!
Lette: Nice to see you too. And yes, he really is a sorry twit.
Mairéad: Don't be afraid. Don't be VERY afraid.
Twenty: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Bolted Nut: I feel much safer now. Thanks.
Aquaasho: It might get a lot more exciting yet. For Alan.
Still… Fuck him.
hmm, maybe time to lay off? your point's made, you don't want to become just as big a prick yourself.
Badgerdaddy: We'll see.
Rosie: Well, to the best of my knowledge, I've never told anyone I'd kill them if I had the means to do so.
It would take a lot of doing to make myself that big a prick, wouldn't you think?
I can't believe you're giving two seconds of your life to this obvious wanker. People don't warn people that they're going to kill them and then go ahead and do it! Well maybe Cain gave Abel a little hint but really nothing since then.
People threaten people all the time.
This world has become far too ill-mannered. Every gobshite feels entitled to insult you and hurl abuse at you. Well, I hate it and my instinct is to refuse to accept that kind of casual boorishness.
We have allowed these people too much latitude and now it's time to hand the problem back, which is what I'm doing.
Damn, you get all the fun, death threats and a comment from Twenty. You have got his balls in a noose, now sink him, Alan's not Twenty's!
I say "Save the Chewing Gum 1"
Bock he is probably a very young guy acting the maggot and now is scared shitless that you will cost him his job.
In fairness he sounds like a bit of a nerd and is now just afraid . You win he loses . Lets go back to playing ball.
Ellie: AH now. Let's wait and see.
QJS: Are you saying the Chewing Gum One is innocent?
Macdara: I'm not convinced he's that young or that he's acting the maggot either. Not by a long way.
Your post almost killed me, I was laughing so much.
The only chewing gum factory is not a stone's throw from Maynooth, and, given the context, better not mentioned, as it might sound rude.
Perhaps your secret correspondent (if he exists) would consider starting his own blog, to entertain us all further?
AH, but now you're presuming the factory is in Ireland.
And you can be sure my correspondent exists, though I don't yet know if I'm dealing with a man, a woman or a chewing-gum company. On legal advice, I'm not yet giving out the full details in my possession.
What I don't know for certain, of course, is whether you exist.
You are not alone there. The Turing Test has been applied many times to settle this matter.
The jury is still out…
I'm intrigued. Feel free to email me if you wish
bocktherobber@gmail.com