Who Ya Gonna Call?
Posted on Sunday, September 9, 2007Who’s Saint Urban of Langres?
He’s the patron saint of alcoholics, that’s who.
- I stumbled across this piece of nonsense while digitally thumbing through a list of patron saints on the Catholic Community Forum.
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Why? Do I hear you ask why? Well I wanted to poke fun at it and ridicule it for cheap laughs of course. Why else?
- And I’ll tell you something, it’s a fascinating resource. No matter what sort of trouble you’re in, there’s a saint you can buttonhole to have a quiet word with God and get it sorted out. Sometimes there’s more than one patron saint, but that’s not a problem. They’ve even got a biography of each one so you can pick the best for the job.
- Abuse victims, for instance could go with Jeanne Marie de Maille who was married for sixteen years to the Baron de Silly, but remained chaste. I’d say the Baron fuckin loved that. I’d say he felt like the Baron de Very Silly Indeed. Or they could go for Maria Bagnesi. The thought of marriage made Maria so sick that she eventually became unable to walk, and was bed-ridden. Hmm. A pattern seems to be emerging, maybe. Or Saint Pharaildis who was still a virgin when widowed.
Then there’s the patron saint of pilots, Saint Joseph of Cupertino, who was as mad as a bag of spanners. Here’s what the biography says about him:
His life became a series of visions and ecstasies, which could be triggered any time or place by the sound of a church bell, church music, the mention of the name of God or of the Blessed Virgin or of a saint, any event in the life of Christ, the sacred Passion, a holy picture, the thought of the glory in heaven, etc. Yelling, beating, pinching, burning, piercing with needles - none of this would bring him from his trances, but he would return to the world on hearing the voice of his superior in the order. He would often levitate and float (which led to his patronage of people involved in air travel), and could hear heavenly music.
Exactly the sort of guy you want watching over your flight.
If you hate caterpillars, you could give Magnus of Füssen a call. Magnus used to work for Saint Gall, an Irish guy. He could disperse plagues of snakes and even dragons, though he once spared an infant dragon that helped farmers by hunting rats and mice. A bear-geologist showed him a vein of iron ore and he fed it some cake. It’s not clear how he did with caterpillars, but he’s also good for hail storms lightning, snakes and vermin.
Fear not if you’re a criminal. Saint Dismas is your man. This is the fellow who was crucified beside Jesus and had an annoying tendency to look on the bright side of things. It’s not clear what sort of criminal Saint Dismas represents. I looked up "drug-dealing scumbags" but there doesn’t seem to be an entry for it yet. I suspect Dismas might speak only for the Artful Dodger loveable rogue type of crim.
Prostitutes are lucky. They have three saints, but only if they’re reformed prostitutes: working girls have no-one to speak up for them in heaven.
The choice of saints is interesting. Margaret of Cortona apparently, is associated in the Catholic mind with prostitution for having had a number of sexual relationships. Mary Magdalene is in there too, though there’s nothing in the Gospels to associate her with prostitution of any sort. This seems to be a popular myth that grew up, probably because MM is portrayed as a strong woman and a friend of Jesus, widely believed to have been his lover and perhaps the mother of his children. The only actual prostitute is Mary of Egypt who wandered fifty years in the desert, possibly driven mad by syphilis or something equally horrible. I’m always amazed by this wandering in the desert. It must have been a real pain in the arse, bumping into people. Excuse me. No you go first. No, you first. Oh fuck off. Bang! Aaarrggghhh!
The list of patron saints is endless, but I’d love to know who gives them their jobs. Is there some heavenly foreman? You, Therese of Beanbag! Go down there and look after garden centres! There’s a patron saint of just about anything you can think of. Drug addicts. Cyclists. Chicken farmers. Clowns.
I like the one about Julian the Hospitaller, patron saint of jugglers. Julian was a friend and counsellor to the king, and a stag he was hunting predicted he would kill his own parents. He moved far away to avoid his parents, but they found out where he was living, and made a surprise visit. His wife gave them the marital bed and Julian killed them, thinking they were his wife and another man. This is why Julian isn’t the patron saint of geniuses.
Look for yourself. The link is here.
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Stumble it!
September 9th, 2007
This patron saint of alcholics, do I pray for the strength to stop, or for more beer?
September 9th, 2007
What about St. Anthony the Blackmailer?
September 9th, 2007
Shame on you, Bock. I thought you’d remain true to our Little Nellie of Holy God. Who needs all these pious frauds, sullied with the filthy experience of age? I want my saints pure, chaste, and under 5. Bring back Nellie!
September 10th, 2007
I blame the Greeks and Romans, they had so many gods and demi-gods that the christians had to invent saints with special powers to replace them.
September 10th, 2007
I’ve just poured through the T’s. Where is the patron saint of transvestites?
*goes back to check under C for cross-dressers*
September 10th, 2007
There isn’t one for bloggers. We’re damned! Damned, I tell you!
September 10th, 2007
This thing about saints. I thought you would have spotted our own alive alive oh saint in our midst every day. I speak of St Gerry of the flaming hair, patron saint to any wandering female hippy or tourist who might want to revisit the sixties where Gerry lives happily to this day. The funny little cigs with no namer on, the happy smiley, out of it face, topped off with freaky clothes man.
September 10th, 2007
Whos the patron saint for lost rugby teams as We could do with finding ours
September 10th, 2007
Why do Mexican young people have their own patron saint, while young people from everywhere else only have one saint between them?
September 10th, 2007
that last Julian story has a touch of Shakespeare about it…..
September 10th, 2007
There are 2 for hopeless causes, I know because my family keep telling me for some reason.
September 10th, 2007
Turf: Denial is very important, so you should do both.
Benny: What about him?
Darwin: All right then. Little Nellie gets a special place in Bockland. We’ll do a Nellie extravaganza soon.
Conan: A bit like Marvel comics, I suppose.
MJ: Let us know how you get on.
Primal Sneeze: Isidore of Seville
QJS: Living saint? Like Mother Teresa?
Macdara: There are no catholic rugby players.
Galwaywegian: Dunno. Maybe because they need it?
Aquaasho: Good, isn’t it, even if Julian was a bit of a dipshit.
Flirty: There are four.
* Jude Thaddeus
* Gregory Thaumaturgus
* Philomena
* Rita of Cascia
Take your pick.
September 10th, 2007
Philomena was un-made a saint, would you believe. It was apparently a word written in the catacombs, and they took it to be a christian name. But it actually meant “loved one” which was all over the place. So they had to unmake the “name” a saint. There were shell-shocked Philomenas (and their mothers) all over Ireland.
September 10th, 2007
Oh right. Like Saint Wayne-Luvs-Stacey?
September 10th, 2007
‘Sackly!
September 11th, 2007
St. Anthony
You didn’t mention him and he is one of the very advanced models.
You paid him to find things but you never actually found them till you’d practically gone broke putting money in his box.
He could be the patron saint of many things besides blackmailers.
Patron of Marginal Pricing Economists.
Patron of E-Bay.
Pray for us.
Get the drift?
I’m sure with enough time he could have a whole new litany to rival that of the Mediatrix herself.
You could even explore non cash forms of payment, one of which I discovered myself at the age of 10.
Give him a try sometime.
September 11th, 2007
Whose been a bold boy?
Thanks for correcting inadvertently open tag.
September 11th, 2007
Bit late but McDara, that would be St.Sad-Excusius
September 12th, 2007
Ahh yes, I now see the drift, urban, langars
*Doh* (smacks forehead and a bright light appears …..)