I have two small dogs: Satan and Dermot.
Satan is a Jack Russell, highly intelligent, faithful and brave, with the heart of a lion. Satan is clean and never, ever dirties the house. This is a good thing in a dog. On the downside, Satan is a psychopath, willing to attack any living thing no matter how big or how small. Postmen, Rhodesian Ridgebacks, Warthogs, Indian Wild Boar, Tasmanian Devils, Portuguese Men o’ War, none of it matters to Satan because Satan is an equal-opportunity creature-hater. There isn’t a bishop in Ireland willing to knock on my door looking for a vote. It happened once.
I leaned out. What?
It was an old guy in a black cassock. Alternative Bishop Party. Can I have a word?
I’ll excommunicate you?
That was the last bishop-politician ever to call at my door. I still have one of his dried feet.
This is true: I came out of my house one day to find two fully-grown tinkers standing on the pillars, one at either side of the gate, with little Satan doing synchronised snarling between them.
I’m afraid of him, Boss, said one tinker.
Will he bite us, Sir? asked the other.
He’ll tear the fucking arse off you. What the fuck were you doing in my garden?
LIke the girls from Texas, that’s the way it goes with Jack Russells, but I wish I knew it before I got Satan.
Dermot, on the other hand, is a fool. A Pomeranian fool, with a beautiful thick, furry coat and the cutest curly tail you ever saw. The fucking fool. He attacks other animals by rolling over and hanging his tongue out at them.
I take the two of them for a walk along the River Shannon, and everyone I meet recoils in horror at Satan, but melts over Dermot. Girls love Dermot and they want to take him home and say Aaaawwww!! to him all day and all night, and shampoo him and cuddle him, and brush him and squeeze him and say Aaaawwww!! some more, but there’s one thing they don’t know about Dermot. One thing that makes Dermot fifty times worse than Satan.
Dermot shits wherever he feels like it, and whenever he feels like it.
He cannot be trained to desist from fouling my house, and that’s because he is fucking retarded.
Would anyone like a beautiful yet stupid, friendly, peaceful mega-shitting dog, who’s used to living outdoors?