Christmas Songs in the Supermarket

 Posted by on November 20, 2007  Add comments
Nov 202007
 

Oh God, here we go. It begins.

I was wandering around the supermarket this evening, idly seeking cheap crap to boil up for Bullet’s slop dinner, when it finally wormed its way into my brain, this awful fucking song they’re playing in the shop, this harbinger of a whole fucking month of awful songs.

What’s this? Only the 20th of November? And here’s this crowd of Band Aid twats singing Do They Know It’s Christmas? Well, Bob and Midge, I’m fucking stumped. Tell me the answer — do they actually know it’s Christmas? Probably not, since half of them are Muslims, so why the fuck should they know? Hmm? And what the fuck makes you think there won’t be snow in Africa? Yes there will, you fucking fool. Loads of it, do you hear? Fuckin loads of it. Unlike the miserable spatter of dirty sleet we call snow over here. What a load of shit!

Why do they start to bombard us with this crap every November? I know what’s coming. Shane McGowan collecting his annual burst of drinking-royalties for Fairytale of New York — a fine song completely destroyed by being subsumed into this fuck-awful collection of Commerce Carols they inflict on us every year whether we want it or not. Fuckin drunk-tank is where I want to be when I hear this shit. And as for Jona Fucking Lewie. Talk about the ultimate one-hit wonder! The worst song ever written, that just happens to have the word Christmas in it someplace and therefore gets played every fucking year by the shop-manager cretins who decide what we have to listen to while we wander around their idiot stores buying chocolate fat-fuckers.

It’s a guaranteed way to make a shit-load of money every year. Driving Home for Christmas. Wish it Could be Christmas.

I’m going to write a Christmas hit called Chopping You Up for Christmas. It’lll go like this: —

I’ll find out where you live

I’ll climb in your window

In the middle of the night

I’ll cut you into fifty fucking pieces

CHORUS

And we’ll all have fun for Christmas!!!

Having great big fun this Christmas!!!

Little pieces you fucking bastard

Having fun at Christmas.

Watch out for it. They’ll have it in your supermarket next year, and guess what — nobody will know a single word of the lyrics except the Christmas bits, and what’s more, they won’t fucking care.

They’ll sing: —

And we’ll all have fun for Christmas!!!

Having great big fun this Christmas!!!

Little pieces dum-de-dum-dum

Having fun at Christmas.

Your granny will be singing it and humming along with the catchy tune full of cheerful Christmassy hooks. Young mothers will croon it to their new-borns. Kind jailers will mutter it through cell bars on Christmas Eve.

I’m going to be rich. Don’t stop the cavalry.



  15 Responses to “Christmas Songs in the Supermarket”

Comments (15)
  1.  

    Deck the halls with parts of Lewie..fa la la laaa

    I envy Lette this time of year.

  2.  

    And there I was, dreaming of a white Christmas. Imagine.

  3.  

    My favourite Christmas song is thankfully rarely played – The Waitresses, Christmas Wrapping. Genius.

  4.  

    Deck the managers with a brolly
    Fa la la la laaaaaa la la la la
    Up their bums stick sprigs of holly
    Fa la la la laaaaaa la la la la

    I love Christmas, me. I think maybe because the girls are wee and I get to recreate it all for them. Nah, it’s because I’m just a sap, a sorry, sorry sap. I’ve always loved Christmas.

  5.  

    Feeling a bit bah-humbuggery are we Bock? What’s there not to like about a week off work in which you’re allowed, nay expected to eat and drink your own body weight six times over?

  6.  

    Did they play the Wham classic, ” Last Christmas” , from when George was still straight. Or that other mulled wine classic, the sparkley Slade’s, ” Here it is Merry Christmas “. More difficult then listening to them, was dancing to them.

  7.  

    that’s right, blame Midge fucking Ure. He never gets a mention oh vienna nor a knighthood neither but when the chips is down it’s all his fault.
    I was in tesco last night and still no carols, i think they’ve learned their lesson vienna give us your fukkin’ munny! Wouldn’t be so bad, but I can’t forgive Bob for hob nobbing with politicians and taking a knighthood and staying in London among them all and yet STILL moaning about them while little Peaches and Fifi Trixipops go to Rodene or however you spell it I don’t like Munnndays I never loved Eva Braun, but apart from that I have no thoughts on the matter. Midge never took an honour (wasn’t offered probably)

    Liked the image of the prison officer muttering through the bars.

  8.  

    Grandma got run over by a reindeer
    Coming home from our house Christmas Eve
    People say there’s no such thing as Santa
    But as for me and Grandpa, we believe…

  9.  

    HQ: Yeah. Sometimes being deaf is good.

    Conan: Go to Lesotho then. Or Kenya. Or Morocco.

    Badgerdaddy: Never in the supermarket, or at least not in mine.

    ProblemChildBride: It isn’t Christmas. It’s the shite songs.

    Caro: As above

    S&C: Yes. They did. The bastards.

    Maroon: Carols I could fucking live with. Slade, no. George Michael, no.

    Margaret: A Sports-Utility Reindeer, perhaps.

  10.  

    I hate the season as well and wish you much success with your song.

    I feel badly for the people in retail who have to listen to that shit on a loop for so long. I would go mental.
    When I ask staff if the music drives them nuts and they reply that they love it, I steer clear.

  11.  

    Holy fucking shit. It’s just dawned on me – this Christmas, I will be sharing a house with an 11-year-old girl. I’m actually going to have to ‘do’ Christmas, for real.

    Bollocks.

    Normally I go for a longish run and have a sausage sarnie, then read for a bit, take a walk and watch some movies, with no religion or anything special about the day at all. Except the sausage sarnies, obviously.

    This year it will be tree, gifts, food, sitting down at a table… Argh!

  12.  

    Unlike an 11-year-old boy you could just get drunk with.

  13.  

    Love the Christmas, hate the hype.

    I suggest a good dose of Southpark’s spirited Christmas songs. I’m too straight-laced to quote them here, but they cheer me up every single time.

  14.  

    Jesus, Mary Witzl. Why be so straitened in the laces?

  15.  

    I love all those shitty Christmas songs.. especially the old ones. Worked in Dunnes during college and the best about being there over the festive season _was_ the songs. Customers were cranky and the constant smell of chocolate put me off Irish Rose for bloody years..

Leave a Reply