Hitler once defined a unit of measurement — the Goering — as the largest amount of metal that can be pinned to one man’s chest.
Good man Adolf. Whatever about his other faults, he had more sense of humour than the miserable street-beggar masquerading as our prime minister.
Bertie, you see, wants to introduce an honours system for this country. Aha! Just in time to collect a gong when he steps down from office after a lifetime of shady deals and clandestine payments. Him and his cabinet of muppets.
Arise, Lord Digout of Cat and Cage!
You’d just love it wouldn’t you, the way they’d be talking to each other in the cabinet room after they all collect their honours. Maybe they’ll have a round table
Prithee speak, Sir Gobshite of Nedap. How went the e-voting?
I would fain speak of other things m’Lord, for it went not well. Nay, yonder voting engine conjured by Merlyn hath nor soul nor heart, and the People make great muttering.
Zounds! ‘Tis a bagatelle. Prithee, hie away to Venerable Mary of the Rancid Poultice and beg an specific.
Honours. What a great idea for modern Ireland. Let’s indeed award honours for outstanding contributions to Irish life. Let us praise and elevate and cheer those who give generously of their time, energy and skill to make our lives better.
But let’s keep a bit of balance.
As well as an honour system, why not have a Shame system?
For every medal we award to some charity founder, philanthropist, cure-for-cancer discoverer, let’s also dump a bucket of ceremonial shit over some filthy money-grubbing politician or health service administrator who treated the women of Ireland like dirt.
We can hold the ceremonies side by side.
Here you are Professor McClever. For making cancer a thing of the past, here’s a medal and fifty thousand euros. All men shall henceforth know you as McClever the Very Very Good Indeed.
Now, Ahern, come up here and stop fiddling with your tie. For being a miserable, crooked, two-faced, slithering little reptile, have this ceremonial brown envelope and a bucket of shit over your head. All men shall henceforth know you as Ahern the Smelly.
This could work.