Riding a Bike
Nov 20th, 2007 | By Bock | Category: Humour, sexualityWe learn of this ludicrous story from Georgiasam.
It concerns a gentleman in Scotland who was caught by cleaners —IN PRIVATE!! — attempting to have sex with his bicycle. This fellow lived in a hostel, and apparently had brought the bike back to his room for a little consensual canoodling, but it seems the cleaners didn’t approve. They opened his door with a master key, and caught him in flagrante delicto. Â Now he’s saddled with a conviction.
I’m not sure exactly how they knew he was having sex with his bicycle. Maybe its bell was ringing too loudly, or it might have been the vigorous pumping that alerted them. Perhaps he was just straightening the fork. Or he could have been oiling its chain. I don’t know. I’m also a little unclear whether this bicycle-sex-disapproval is a uniquely Scottish thing, or if the rest of the Brits are equally against it, but it didn’t go down too well anyway. Erm, so to speak.
Now, I was going to write something shallow, flippant, juvenile and sniggering about it, but then I read the BBC report and really, you know, there isn’t a whole lot anyone could add, so I’ll just give it to you (sorry) straight (sorry again).
Here’s exactly what it says on the BBC report, and apologies to them for shamelessly lifting the entire thing. Sorry, BBC.
A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.
Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.
Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.
Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.
Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.
“They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.
“The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.”
Both cleaners, who were “extremely shocked”, told the hostel manager who called police.
Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: “In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a ‘cycle-sexualist’.”
Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.
The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.
He now lives in Ayr.
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Meanwhile, elsewhere in the blogosphere, Annie is worried if this law also covers sex with washing machines.
The Telegraph reports a man being jailed for having sex with pavements. Two-timing bastard couldn’t stay on the one true path.
With Leather reckons he was framed.
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That is outrageous.
Poor old fellow. Who’s to say the bicycle wasn’t willing?
It’s vintage Third Policeman
“Any chance of a ride?” will never sound the same again.
He has cyclogical issues. Even though he was well oiled I hope he was taking precautions, you know, like wearing a mudguard?
“Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.”
How could they do that??
Can’t you find sex toys (albeit a trifle more comfortable) in shops all over the UK – and Dublin, now that we’re all grown up?
Anyway, someone should tell him how easy it is to buy a melon. Mind you, the cleaners would probably be even more horrified.
Arrah, feck it. Now Bock is going to ask me why I didn’t write “and Ireland, now that we’re all grown up”. The fact is, a Bhoick, I’ve only seen them in Dublin.
Nora: We have melons here as well.
Bastard Bock, I was just about to say third policemen.
Is there a picture of the bike?
I’m wondering if it’s a classic bike like a Royal Enfield or a Dawes or if it’s one of the new slutty ones that hang about Halfords and the like.
I’d say it’s an old High Nellie. You know: sit-up-and-beg.
Nora said ” Can’t you find sex toys (albeit a trifle more comfortable) ”
I’ll have you know that I’ve a very comfortable saddle on my bike and that we are quite happy together now, me and my saddle. After a lifetime of dalliances with other , meaner, leaner but sometimes cheaper saddles, we’ve become very fond of each other. It’s a hand in glove type of partnership, except it’s my clsydale bottom. Most people who know us say we are a beautiful couple. I don’t consider my saddle a sex toy ! The liberty !
Was the bike asked for a victim statement, and is it getting counselling?
I think it’s all a bit embarrassing for the bike, which was quoted as saying “It was just one of those crazy situations you find yourself in. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Those goddamn pedalists, is no bike safe anymore?
I thought the story was about Gimme at first.
Hee hee.
Who cares if he fucks an object in private? Are they saying it’s bike rape? That rather diminishes real rape victims.
No. It empowers bicycles.
As regards the man caught having sex with the pavement it turns out to be a misunderstanding. Apparently he had been hit by a car but had managed to pull himself off the road and was attempting to mount the footpath when his movements were misconstrued.
Thank you and goodnight.
They say you never forget how to ride a bike, Maybe he just forget.
He might once have had an unfulfilling experience with a bike.
Hey, whatever it takes to get your groove on.
If it takes some *ahem* bicycle lovin’, so be it.