The Mobile Consecrator Rises Again

 Posted by on November 28, 2007  Add comments
Nov 282007
 

Looks like time to wake up the Machine.

All this talk of religious bigotry and madness reminded me of an old project that got shelved last year, and I suppose it would be no harm to tell you about it again. Especially since I came up with a few tweaks.

You see, it all started when I heard of a truly insane idea to bless the roads by some fool in a local Council .

Eh, what?

Yeah. That’s what I said too. Some idiot responsible for safety promotion decided to get the fucking roads in his area blessed as a kind of a PR stunt.

I know. I know. Sad.

I know.

There’s your witchdoctor, out on the road with his dress and his little wand-thing in a bucket, and he’s flicking holy water at the fucking road and going Hubba Hubba Jesus Jesus Hubba Hubba Jesus Hubba Jesus Hubba. That’s really going to keep down those accident statistics, isn’t it?

Especially when some demented seventeen-year-old coked out of his head comes zinging down the wrong side in a fifteen-year-old souped-up Honda Civic with dem speakas pounding out some ear-bleeding Unce Unce Unce horseshit, and before you know it, Father McDingbat is just one more pile of roadkill.

Not a great plan, though it has its obvious good points in ridding the island of priests.

Nah!

We needed industry to deal with this problem, and that was why I set my research teams to work in the caverns beneath the mighty Bockschloss. We laboured long and hard. We tore up blank sheets of paper. We tore up blank computer screens.

And eventually, we came up with the Mobile Consecrator.

Here it is.

mobileconsecratorsmall

You see, the great thing about this is that it can be towed behind a Council truck, blessing the roads at high speed. The blessing penetrates the road surface to a depth of about 15mm, making it much more resistant to wear, which was a problem with the old manually-applied blessings.

Not only that, but you can reverse the Consecrator over a grave and set the dial to whatever religion you want. It will consecrate a perfectly rectangular patch with no overspray at all. This used to be a bit of a problem in the past, with our non-denominational burial grounds. You know, you’re planting your relative, and your priest might be a bit shaky after the party, and before you know it, he’s overblessed the Muslim next door. Or the Jew up the way got a little Catholic benediction drifting in the wind. Not good.

It comes complete with a built-in Mecca-Checka that that ensures people get buried facing true Mecca, and not magnetic Mecca, which was a bit of a problem in the past.

So this is a real technical advance. One Council driver can bless thirty or forty graves a day in every known religion, correctly orientated, without overspray.

Of course, it was only a small step from that to developing a military version. By fitting it with huge speakers, it became possible to fire loud curses horizontally at your enemy, while at the same time defiling the ground beneath your wheels with filthy abominations concerning his tenderest beliefs, his womenfolk and his work-ethic. We call it the Mobile Desecrator, and Halliburton are testing it at the moment in Iraq.

I’m working on the latest version, which will come with a Sacrilege-Finder. If it detects that someone has disrespected any religion, a giant arm shoots out of the side and delivers 200 high-speed lashes. Then it empties half a ton of rocks over them before anyone can object.

I’m exporting four dozen to Saudi Arabia and I’ve sent an evaluation model to the Iona Institute  with one of the speakers permanently set to lecture mode.

———–

Ratzo — First Blood

Graveyards

My Plan for Ireland VS England

Curses!

  22 Responses to “The Mobile Consecrator Rises Again”

Comments (19) Pingbacks (3)
  1.  

    Will it help with the removal of the dead priests/road kill for areas reluctant to move with the times and purchase such a wondrous invention?

  2.  

    “We call it the Mobile Desecrator, and Halliburton are testing it at the moment in Iraq.”

    Somewhat like Depleted Uranium?

  3.  

    Limerick Gal: I have high hopes for it.

    Nora: A lot like depleted Uranium, except the curses glow more in the dark. I was thinking of selling the military an arsenal of accursed bullets to fire from their Warthogs as well. All suggestions welcomed.

  4.  

    I sell the Iraqis some anti-Baptism bullets and the Halliburton/Blackwater shites will spend an eternity in Limbo.

    Or was that officially shut?

  5.  

    Not sure about that, Nora. I thought Limbo was out of business, but it looks like Ratzo might have reopened it. Also not sure if he got a licence. Maybe it’s only for Romanian babies.

  6.  

    I’ll start a line in reverse indulgences, then.

  7.  

    Is there incense? Smelly Redemptist incense? Only the Red’s stuff deafens Unce Unce Unce horseshit. You may have been using a Jesuit spray on your machine, which we all know is ineffective in a Civic situation.

  8.  

    Boss, Boss,

    Ya forgot to tell them about the second arm fixing which comes with a quickfit (easily changeable to small “Kid Sized” ) sword for automatic, Sanctified executions in a hurry (Just doing the holy work of Allah), also the automatic washing add-on for same for rapid redeployment, of course don’t forget the research departments latest proposals for the ethnic cleansing addons………..

  9.  

    Sniffle: All in good time.

    Zucchini:Didn’t I tell you those things will be offered as upgrades? Going forward.

  10.  

    Shit, I forgot going forward. What would we do without going forward? Does your machine do reverse, Bock?

  11.  

    It’s towed behind a truck at the moment, but I’m planning a self-propelled, all-terrain tracked version.

  12.  

    Any plans for an aerial one yet Bock? That way you can consecrate entire countries with one fly over. There will of course be collateral consecration but, c’est la religion.

  13.  

    Well, now that you mention it, Jack, I was working with Google on a satellite version.

    GoogleCurse.

  14.  

    It’ll go nuclear though, mark my words. An evil scientist somewhere will take your innocent invention and fashion it into a weapon of mass conversion. Muslim Pakistan will irradiate mainly Hindu India with chromosome altering Islam. India will say oi oi oi what’s all this? and irradiate them back. Red China will irrcommunize the US, the US will irrcrazysouthernbaptist them back and none of us will know whether to choose pork, fish, beef or couscous when we’re out for a nice Friday dinner. Of course if we are out for a nice Friday dinner we’re probably dishonouring Islam which we might suddenly become before pudding arrives. In fact, what with not knowing what we are on any day with the drones zapping us from above, the whole weekend’s shot.

    I just hope the Jainists don’t get their hands on the technology. If Western Europe can’t eat root vegetables it’s the end for us.

  15.  

    It has been warned of. By me.

    Imagine if some Chrazy Christian deliberately Vaticanised Mecca? From Space?

    Ach, mein Gott!

  16.  

    Saints preserve us, one Vatican is a Vatican too far. The world couldn’t take another. “She’s gonna blow, cap’n!”

  17.  

    Bock, please may we have a Swedish / Norwegian/ Finnish multi lingual model with spiked tyres and pollen filter. Preferably run on diesel with omission of c/o under 120g klm. This to qualify for tax reduction it being an eco friendly model. We would prefer the desecreater model where we can target rural dwellers across the mountains. We would prefer a model which is robust and user friendly( fool proof) for I fear our genetic pool has over the centuries become impoverished. We here on our mountain top wish to cast slurs at the other mountain top dwellers which would confirm what we all accept, that they have disproportionatly large ears.

  18.  

    Charles– My technicians are working on it as we speak

  19.  

    Great Bock, I,ll spread the word around the mountains that great craic is in store. This will be a short winter as we can roll out our Desecrator at will and poke under the belt insinuations at our rival tribe across the valley. We will of course need the military version soon as the temperature rises and our slurs take their toll on the other tribe. Enraged they will counter attack but thanks to Bock,s military version we will have the upper hand.

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