Ahern has announced his resignation.
Hey Bertie!! Howya doin, Kiddo? I didn’t recognise you there for a minute with the size of your nose. I swear to God, that hooter just keeps getting longer and longer every time I see you
Did you spot that report in today’s paper? That’s right, Bert. Three quarters of Irish workers earn less than €38,000 a year. Wasn’t that how much you gave yourself as a raise not too long ago? What a coincidence.
Look, Bert, I know you need the money. I know you’re going through the world’s longest and most expensive divorce, but Bert, it’s been nearly twenty years. Surely you must be past the worst of it by now.
I couldn’t get over that guy O’Connor. You know, the former boss of NCB stockbrokers? That’s right. The guy you listed as a personal friend that time you went on the six o’clock news and cried. Jesus, I was nearly in tears myself.
You remember what you told the nation, Bert. Don’t you? You told us that a bunch of your close personal friends got together and raised a bit of cash to help you with your legal bills after the separation. Remember? And you told us the money was a loan, a debt of honour, and you assured each and every one of the donors you were going to pay them back.
Well, imagine my surprise when Mr O’Connor gave evidence to the Tribunal that
- he wasn’t a friend of yours,
- you never told him you’d pay the money back
- he thought it was to help run your constituency office
- it came from his company and not from him
- his colleagues in the company knew about the donation and
- he paid the money on foot of a false invoice supplied by your fixer, Des Richardson.
Jesus, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. So he wasn’t a friend of yours at all, and he didn’t think he was helping you with the separation?
You realise what he’s saying, Bertie, don’t you. For your sake, I hope you do.
Bertie, he’s saying it wasn’t a dig-out!!!
I don’t know, Bert. It’s unbelievable. How are you going to lie your way out of this?
Dammit, Bert, isn’t it a pity you didn’t manage to slip that law through in time.
You know the one, Bert. The law that will give you the power to close down a Tribunal if you don’t like what it’s finding out. The one you announced last week. Surely you didn’t forget so soon?
And look, Bertie, this Richardson guy. Isn’t he the same one who used to be a consultant to Rohan Holdings? Sure he is. And didn’t he get a million in fees from Rohan Holdings the same year you changed the Finance Act? Ah, you remember, Bertie. Course you do. The year you changed the Act so that Rohan Holdings could claim two million back in tax. The same year Richardson handed you fifty grand from friends because they were so worried about your separation. Friends like NCB Stockbrokers who now claim they don’t know you. The bastards.
By the way, Bertie, I nearly forgot something else. Jesus, my memory is as bad as yours.
What was all that about the casino and the bag of dollars? That guy who was trying to set up the casino in the Phoenix Park — didn’t he bring you to several Manchester United matches? That’s right. He did. And didn’t the Tribunal say something about lodgements to your account in dollars? Oh yeah. That’s right. And didn’t you say there was no dollars, don’t be ridiculous? And didn’t it turn out that casino-man made contributions to other people in dollars? Oh, now that I think of it, that would be right.
And you would be? Oh that’s right: the leader of the governing party in Ireland, and the Prime Minister.
Of course. Right.
UPDATE 2nd April 2008:
Bertie announced his resignation today.
Here’s a selection of Bock posts about our Leader.