I'm sure by now you must have seen THIS.
Well?
What do you reckon?
Did I ever tell you I once went to the spiritual headquarters of Scientology, in Clearwater, Florida?
Yes, I did. It's true. I really did and I wrote about it here.
Naturally, I had to be extremely drunk to do such a thing, and I had to be driving a four-million-litre American car, and I had to be wearing a pair of very tasteless cut-down shorts and not-nice Jesus sandals, and I had to be listening to a lot of Jimmy Buffett music, but I managed to fulfil all these requirements — yes I did !! — and I somehow managed to make my way into the heart of Scientological good-stuffness.
Oh, and how they loved me for it, those L Ron Hubbardites. How they wanted to love me, and make me a part of their Hubbardlove plan for making everything great. How nice they were, and how caring, and how padded-shouldered the women were. That was only ten years ago, and yet how Eighties those women were, in 150 degrees of heat, with their thousand-yard smile, and their eye gloss.
Hi. I'm Tammy. And I'm Sammy. And I'm Whammy. We'll be your brain-washers for the evening.
Did you ever see their questionnaires?
Did you?
I have a whole pile of them that the Scientologists gave me in person when they wanted me to join them, and I plan to scan these questionnaires and put them here for your enjoyment, but for now I'll just give you a sample.
A bit of background first, perhaps, might help.
Scientology was founded by L Ron Hubbard, a bad science fiction writer who decided it would be more profitable to turn his bad science fiction books into a religion. You see, Ron taught his followers that "Thetans," aliens from Venus, were buried in Earth's volcanoes millions of years ago by Xenu — a vicious Galaxy-Lord. Unfortunately the Thetans got out of the volcanoes and into our brains and we have to release them so they can get back to Venus.
Hmm.
In fairness, it isn't any less plausible than believing that God is a biscuit, but we'll leave that to one side for a minute.
L Ron made a lot of money from this teaching in America, as one would, and eventually ended up claiming that all this horseshit constituted a Church. As part of your membership of this church, you have to hand over a huge pile of money, but you also have to go through a series of audits. This is where somebody asks you questions while you hold onto a gadget known as an E-Meter and the auditor judges your responses to the questions.
What's an E-meter? Well, for the technically-minded, it's an old fashioned Ohm-meter. And for the even geekier, it's the good old Wheatstone Bridge you remember from physics classes in school.
For the less scientifically-minded there's no problem. Remember that thing outside the shops that you had to put money in? How Sexy Are You?
Yup. That's the E-Meter!
What do you do with it?
Easy. You just sit back and relax while a trained counsellor asks you questions.
What's a trained counsellor? Oh, that's easy too. A trained counsellor is someone who's paid more money to the Church of Scientology than you have, but some day you can be a counsellor too, provided you come up with enough bucks.
And the questions? Oh yeah. I said I'd give you a sample, but this is only a beginning. I must dig out the pages the Church of Scientology handed me, and put them up here for you to laugh at consider.
Here's a few.
Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing?
Are you a slow eater?
Do you prefer to take a passive role in any club or organization to which you belong?
Is your facial expression varied rather than set?
Do you often ponder over your own inferiority?
Could you agree to strict discipline?
Would you be able to kill small animals?
Do you twitch during the night?
Would you have more than two children, even if you couldn't afford them?
Trust me, these questions are not invented, and there you are, answering them, while some other credulous fool, who has handed over thousands of dollars to buy the How Sexy Are You?? machine nods gravely and notes your responses.
People, I want to draw something to your attention. This is a religion espoused by a man who thinks that only Scientologists can help at traffic accidents.
There you are, with your arm hanging off and an eighteen-wheeler truck embedded in your sternum, with half a pint of blood left in your circulatory system and thanks be to L Ron!!!, you see Tom Cruise pulling up in his open-top Lamborghini. Smiling that great Tom Cruise smile, (now with added double chin).
Stand back you fucking useless firemen! you shout. Out of the way you knot of dedicated but incompetent roadside surgeons! Look! It's Tom fucking Cruise the Scientologist! Let him through. Let him point his finger at me and free my alien so it can fly back to Venus! Let me sign all my money over to him and his crowd of money-sucking henchmen before I die.
That's what you'd say, isn't it, as you expired at the side of the road? With a truck through your heart?
Yeah. I thought so.
RelatedTelegraph
i think fair game applies here. swarm, swarm.
I nearly missed my interview for my degree because of the c*@ting Scientologists. I got asked if I would do a 'survey' – for five minutes. Three rooms, over a hundred questions, an interview/interrogation with a wide-eyed mad lady and over an hour later I was put in another room and told I could not leave as I was minus 88 on the instability scale and if I left the building I was more than likely to commit suicide within a week. My reply:
"Wow, I'm really proud. Minus 88? That must be a record! Let me out please.
If truth be known I had lost track of time which was making me anxious and was starting to feel disorientated but I held my resolve. In the end I had to shout really loud and angrily. Finally they let me out as long as I promised I would come back later. It was a bit like the Ipcress File – 2 doors later and I was spewed out onto busy, loud Tottenham Court Road. I just made it to my interview and got in to the degree course.
Fuckers. Kill them all. I didn't walk on that side of Tottenham Court Road for years.
The e-meter is the funniest. This is the best bit, from Wikipedia.
A 1971 ruling of the United States District Court, District of Columbia (333 F. Supp. 357), specifically stated, "The E-meter has no proven usefulness in the diagnosis, treatment or prevention of any disease, nor is it medically or scientifically capable of improving any bodily function."
To which the Scientologists replied, and hold as their official stance-
y itself, this meter does nothing. It is solely for the guide of Ministers of the Church in Confessionals and pastoral counseling. The Electrometer is not medically or scientifically capable of improving the health or bodily function of anyone and is for religious use by students and Ministers of the Church of Scientology only.
I love that. this meter does nothing
Says it all!
I dunno, I quite enjoyed Battlefield Earth. Granted I was 14 and anything that involved blowing up an entire planet of "evil aliens" was likely to impress me.
I highly approve of the German stance: No scientologists in our civil service please and no Mr. Cruise you cannot film anything in our country.
Cripes.
A friend once asked me about Scientology and I replied, "Don't go near that lot, they're a cult".
Clearly I didn't know the half of it.
But then, as Bock remarked about the biscuit … and I vividly remember the meetings organised in a local hall when the Catholic Church brought in the American-style "Planned Giving". And all those bloody envelopes that my poor parents diligently handed over each week. Despite being on a very tight budget.
Eventually, a new church was built in the parish. It was about the height of ten houses. All empty space inside, obviously, except for the pews and the alter. They could've saved a fortune in bricks and mortar — not to mention heating and lighting — if they'd built it ten times lower. Grrrrrrrr.
I may be wrong but wasn't that loosely the plot to Highlander (Scottish character with the Spanish accent with the Spanish friend with Scotttish accent).
Will we get to see Tom Cruise in a pleated skirt waving a claymore at Bock outside the Lobster Pot….Would anyone even notice the difference in Limerick anymore?
Final comment is that given the importance of the Munster match tomorrow I shall be praying to all organised and non organised religions (including the Polo Necked one) for the gift of a win with bonus point.
Well actually, Dell Boy, I believe the sword-waving is a Dublin thing.
Im surprised they haven't spammed your comments yet Bock.
Anyway, yous are all heathens – Pastafarianism is the way forward! http://www.venganza.org/
If they do, it'll just prove what a crowd of tosspots they are.
i think i could agree to strict discipline
Bock, what happened to the Cruise video?? I've tried showing it to my boyfriend, and it's gone! is there anywhere else i can find it?
I found it! showed it to my fella and having seen it again,i really feel like having another glass of wine. my man at first thought because the vids were cut maybe it made him sound like a twat, but very quickly realised el plonko is void of any active matter in his brain. you wonder how these guys become actors, but you don't have to have a good brain to be an actor do you – its a bit like being a copycat at school. and to think of all that money he has, and what i could do with all that money….either he's plain thick or just a looper. who cares.
How typically dull this is. Not one attempt to understand Scientology. Why don't you make some jokes about blacks or jews? You can enforce those stereotypes too.
Because blacks and Jews aren't idiots.
Are you saying that there are no black or jewish idiots?
I'm saying don't try to change the subject. I'm not talking about blacks or Jews. I'm talking about your cult.
Proud Scientologist: if this is so typically dull, don't bother putting your comments in.
Proud scientologist,
Please tell us more about Xenu the galactic overlord, and the Thetans who were imprisoned in volcanoes.
We're all ears!!!
I believe the original scientology was based on a form of psychological therapy, probably of some branch of Freudian psychoanalysis. Anyway they used the E-meter which probably works similar to a lie detector to help identify when they hit on items which made the subject feel uncomfortable, and they could thus home in on. Some people then probably told them things about themselves which could be used against them as a form of blackmail, and suddenly they were tied to the therapy long term – with resultant costs.
Later – not so idiotically – they realised that churches are not subject to income tax in the states, and invented all the hocus pocus nonsense, to flesh it out a bit, and, Hey presto, a new "Church" is born. They used to have a ship at one time – I think because they were banned in so many countries – and their hierarchy was structured in naval terms.
There are other well known, and maybe more surprising, people who dabbled in this cult. I think Van Morrison at one time may have had some connection, and I've always suspected that the reference in Leonard Cohen's song Famous Blue Raincoat, to "go clear" was about Scientology, which of course doesn't mean he was involved with them but maybe somebody else knows more about that.
It is an insidious and evil cult there is no doubt. High profile members like Cruise, John Travolta and Juliette Lewis etc. just lend them some public credibility – as well as some cash no doubt. The almighty buck at bottom is the driving force.