Bondage Furniture

 Posted by on February 22, 2008  Add comments
Feb 222008
 

Carpentry is one of my hobbies. I like it. I enjoy working out all the little details and as time goes by, I find myself getting better at it.

Carpentry can be very good for the soul — almost a form of meditation. When you need to work out a complicated joint, or rub a finished piece to a deep waxed sheen, there’s no room at the back of your head for all that bad shit that tries to bubble up when you’re idle.

It’s good, and it gets better.

I started off making very simple things. Picture frames. Flower boxes. Bird feeders. But nowadays, I’d hand-build you a table, if you paid me enough, or a kitchen if you offered me a fortune. I have loads of equipment. Router tables, mortisers, biscuit jointers, a dozen kinds of power saw. All sorts of stuff. And every so often I launch into a project like building a staircase or a kitchen or a Welsh dresser or something like that, and then I get bored again and stop for months. And months and months.

As I told you recently, the kitchen is coming along well:

Now, a coffee table is just a coffee table, no matter what way you spin it. And a kitchen table is just another place to leave dozens of old newspapers, a carburettor, a broken CV joint, a dog-dinner-bowl and the iPod you won’t find again for a week.

But suppose you took it a tiny step further, and drilled a few holes in the legs of the coffee table you’ve just built?

Why the hell would anyone do that? I hear you asking, and once upon a time I’d have concurred. Why indeed?

Well, you see, as I said, a coffee table is just that, and if you make a coffee table you might sell it for, oh, I don’t know, maybe 200 euros if it’s a really, really nice one. But if you drill a few holes in the legs, and attach chains, suddenly it isn’t a coffee table anymore. It’s a fucking rack!

And you can sell it to some fool for as much as you want.

Wake up the Gimp!!

I kid you not. Have a look at these pictures if you don’t believe me. I could knock any of these things together in an afternoon, and so could you, yet some fucking fool is ready to hand over serious heavy-duty cash for this dross.

Why?

Fucked if I know.

Look at this (all prices in US dollars, I’m afraid. Sorry):

How much?

If it was a funny-shaped chair, how much would you pay?

How about $425?

Now that’s not bad for a couple of hours’ work, wouldn’t you say? Not bad at all.

And then, of course, you have this fucking fool.

How much would you say he’s paying for that thing clamping his hands ?

Would you believe $199?

Listen, I’m straight into that goddam workshop, to knock off a few dozen stocks before lunch.

How about this thing? I’m not quite certain what you’d use it for, though in a routine setting it looks like some sort of garden equipment. Something perhaps for growing sweet-peas or feeding birds. Hard to tell, really, but that’s not why we’re here. What would you pay for this if it was some sort of trellis? $200? At a stretch?

Think again. How about $1695?

Good or what?

Right.

Look. I don’t care how people get their kicks, but this is looking more and more profitable if you ask me. Why the hell am I fucking around my house making kitchens and occasional tables when I could be making this:

Yep. You’re not wrong. It’s three (count ‘em: 3) planks, sanded and painted. Three.

How much?

$399. Not bad, huh?

Now, there are some fucking fools who deserve everything they get, and perhaps the severe pricing regime is part of the kick, but to my way of thinking, this gobshite should get no mercy:

What the fuck does he look like? Isn’t he afraid his mother might see him? For fucksake! $125.

And as for this amadán, well words fail me sometimes.

No. Honest. Really, they do, though not often.

$450 to get his nuts crushed and look like a total … well … knob. Ah, look, we’re all going to get rich out of these fucking eejits. Just stick with me. I knew it would be a good idea in the end to buy all those power-tools.

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  44 Responses to “Bondage Furniture”

Comments (44)
  1.  

    How much for that last one again? Would you have it in a slightly darker pine, at all…?

  2.  

    Right, I’ll get me biscuit jointer, Japanese pull saw, router and various other bits and bobs and we’ll go into business: Criminal Robbery – Purveyors of Fine S&M Products (splinter finish extra).

  3.  

    That last one’s just put me of my cornflakes. He has a really small knob.

  4.  

    ‘How about this thing? I’m not quite certain what you’d use it for, though in a routine setting it looks like some sort of garden equipment..’ I’d love to know your ideal routine setting. :)
    ‘no room at the back of your head for all that bad shit.’ that was some good shit.. thinkin of some guys poor little knob being tortured as I drink my morning coffee. oh my.

  5.  

    got milk for them cornflakes gilly? :) hope so.

  6.  

    3 short planks for $399. Why you could get a PC for that price in PCWORLD …. oh hold on there …. I’ll have the 3 sort planks instead!!!

  7.  

    slightly: Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh no no no! Today I will eat them dry. I’ll never understand the whole pleasure’n’pain thing.

  8.  

    Sacred heart of Jesus Christ. Mother of God come down and preserve us all, and pray for Bock that he might return to the light.

    Bock you’ve been reading them protestant blogs again, and during Lent too.

    Was that Ian Paisley jnr. is the last photo ?

  9.  

    “Was that Ian Paisley jnr. is the last photo ?”

    That was Bock trying out his own gizmo. Shhhhhhhh …

  10.  

    D’ye not have anything for the wimmin, Bock?

  11.  

    Great, a use at last for all the flat pack chipboard remains from things I fucked up from Argos. Now to crudely nail them together, drill a few holes in them and find a knob jockey in a leather mask to sell them to.

  12.  

    Nora: I think you’ll find that most of those fine items are in fact non-gender-specific.

    Govstooge: How dare you refer to our future clients as knob-jockeys!

  13.  

    To think I’ve spent most of my professional life as a carpenter/woodworker and have yet to meet a client needing such apparatus! I feel like I’ve wasted my time building vanilla furniture and cabinets and houses and schools and bridges, there certainly looks to be a bigger return on my labor if I were to build fetish furniture instead.

    I definately couldn’t sell it in a mere Woodworking Shop, I’d have to call it a Gallery.

  14.  

    If I were you, Mr Terwilliger, I wouldn’t call it a gallery.

    I’d call it a dungeon.

  15.  

    You forgot to get a pic of the big nappy bock, i saw a programme one night (ages ago) about “submissive males”, they like to be touched up by an old woman. What’s an old woman? An old woman is the kind of woman you’d look at and say “look at that old woman”, anyway they suck dummies and wear huge nappies. Wish I had a pic for you, it was cool! (not)

  16.  

    Oh, please.

  17.  

    Make me one of those nut crusher contraptions.

    It can double as a garment rack.

  18.  

    Bock

    I think the Dungeon would be fine instead of having a “Bargain Basement” but in order to have an artsy-fartsy air and maintain ridiculously high prices maybe i should call it a GALLErY.

    I guess B&D doesn’t just stand for Black and Decker.

  19.  

    My husband made me a coffee table and end table topped with these beautiful cobalt blue Mexican tiles. I didn’t think to ask for a stockade. Silly me.

  20.  

    Sniffleandcry said: Bock you’ve been reading them protestant blogs again, and during Lent too.

    Surely those devices are more reminiscent of the Spanish Inquisition – something we Prods would know nothing about! ;-)

  21.  

    Ah … Well said, Paddy!

  22.  

    Wait a minute, Stephen.

    Are you saying that you Protestant bastards didn’t exist during the Inquisition, or are you saying that it was the Catholic bastards who did it, much to the Protestant bastards’ distaste?

  23.  

    Prods have always been around! – long before Catholics! ;-) Jesus himself was of course a good Prod with no time for ritual and ceremony and he did love a good old march (40 days in the wilderness) but he never got to Drumcree due to a fault in his Satnav that sent him to Jerusalem instead of Northern Ireland when he entered ‘God’s own Country’ as his destination.
    Oh yes we did indeed find the whole Inquisition thing a bit distasteful and on occassions disemboweling!

  24.  

    The cute hoor.

    Not Jesus. Stephen.

    I should come off these meds.

  25.  

    Ah.

  26.  

    Great minds think alike Bock ! I’m struggling to stay afloat producing high end play systems for the domestic market,however,last week I was asked to build a set of stocks for a charity biker bash,and if I do say so myself they were cool as fuck! fetched daft money too!…anyway,I happened upon your blog while…wait for it…checkin out just how much these fuck-wits ‘n’wanna-be freaks are actually willing to fork out to have some lard arsed,over the hill hooker strap em up (or down I suppose !)and treat em like the twats they really are!!…turns out they’ll pay what ever ya say!!(there’s a good boy !or bad boy?I don’t fuckin know? nor give a shit)long story short…”bring out the gimp” indeed!just make sure the clowns leave a hand free to sign the ridiculously large cheques !!fuck em!(or not!).Anyhow,in my day crosses weighed a fuckin ton,and ya stayed there till ya died!! real nails too,no fuckin velcro! proper hardcore! kinky fuckers them Romans eh!…Jesus out,see ya’ll next sunday mother fuckers!..”now,where did dad put the tool box?,feel a few hundred quid comin on !”

  27.  

    Once I saw on the web stylish design furniture fit to transforem very easy in bondage-furniture. Can you or anyone help me finding that site? I really njoyed the tought… and the furniture was beautifull, any way you use it!

    Regards from Belgium

  28.  

    Well?

    Who’s going to help this man?

    Anybody?

  29.  

    I don’t know, that is why I put the question! And probably it is about a subjects that is als one of your interests. Anyway I guess a polite question doesn’ hurt anyone or am I wrong. About your answer: that’s no answer to the question, did you read and understand the question?

  30.  

    You’re right. That isn’t an answer to the question, because I don’t know the answer.

    Did you read and understand the post?

  31.  

    :D

  32.  

    How would someone get into this business, and where would/could you sell this stuff anyway?!

  33.  

    What business? Laughing at fools or selling furniture to them?

  34.  

    Both of course, what else? Anyway: some people DO buy it! I don’t the swank to put them in one or another category!

  35.  

    It just so happens I know this site toys4lust makes over $90,000 plus a year building bondage furniture. Overall the BDSM businesses all over the world is a 50 B plus dollar a year business. I’m not to hip on taking copyrighted photos off someone’s site, but I bet the owner of the site is happy to get free advertising.

  36.  

    I’m happy for him. Do you think I should send him a painful bill for the advertising?

  37.  

    LOL thats a thought, don’t think she will pay!

    Have a good day!

  38.  

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  39.  

    Huh??

  40.  

    @son of god “these fuck wits and wanna be freaks” why the tirade of abuse towards “these people”?

  41.  

    I suppose it’s a Son-of-God thing.

  42.  

    Ah yes of course! I had’nt thought of that Bock….hmmm kinky :)

  43.  

    After all, isn’t the Cross the ultimate bondage furniture?

  44.  

    Indeed Bock, St Andrews or straight up Jesus style, it’s a good way to have that Catholic guilt beat out of you :-)

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