I see Japanese broadband is something like 200 times as fast as ours.
Imagine that. And meanwhile our Prime Minister, Bertie Potato-Head, keeps assuring us that we’re at the leading edge of technology.
Well, he’s nearly right.
We were, once. We had a great, modern telecomms network, which Potato-Head and his idiot government sold off to a fucking asset-stripper, in the process ripping off thousands of small investors who in many cases had never bought shares before in their lives. And when that asset-stripper, Tony O Reilly, was finished tearing this strategic piece of infrastructure to pieces, he sold it to a bunch of Australian asset-strippers, Babcock and Brown, who have no interest whatever in investing in broadband.
So where does that leave us? Fucked, that’s where. Fucked because we won’t be able to take advantage of any technological innovations. Fucked because our speeds are hundreds of times less than the likes of Japan.
But wait. I’ve been working on a solution, and I think I might have the answer.
My scientists at the Bockschloss, working night and day have come up with a device based on Bertie Ahern himself. They call it the Bertieverter and all you’ll have to do is plug your computer straight into it.
Based on algorithms derived from a detailed study of Bertie Ahern’s speech patterns, the Bertieverter will take whatever you send over the internet, convert it into fifty different versions, translate it to doublespeak and talk out of both sides of its mouth and out of its arse, all at the same time.
Voila! Broadband multiplied by 300 in a nod and a wink.