It’s the same everywhere. Oscars. Baftas. Tonys. Irmas.
The winner gets to make a speech and the losers have to sit there listening to the smug bastard with their jaws clenched in a grinning rictus of hatred, resentment and begrudgery.
I think things should be different at the IBLAWAs.
I think every loser should get to spew out a bile-filled rant while the winner sits there trembling in fear for his life, and to help this process I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a little template.
I’ll be keeping a copy handy for Saturday night.
It goes like this:
What??? What the fuck??? Where’s my fucking award you fucking fool?
What? You gave it to this fucking cretin? Are you fucking mad? Are you fucking stupid? Are you fucking blind?
Are you fucking mad, stupid and blind?
You gave MY award to THIS fucking moron, and you expect me to sit there and fucking take it with a fucking smile? Listen, this prick has NO talent, NO ideas, NO sense of humour, NO personality and he can’t fucking spell. He’s a jerk. A fucking self-important, inflated fool. If his dick fell off he’d have no friends left.
I know he’s useless because I spend four hours a day watching his blog to see who comments.
I have more comments than him. I’m better looking. I’m incredibly witty and urbane and smart and well-read and this bastard is nothing but a fucking fool and he should be cut up into little pieces and fed to savage goldfish, the fucking prick!!!
Aaaaarrrrggghhhh! May he rot in a jar of dog-paws.
Who picked this fucker when it should have been me? Hnnnhhnn? Who? Who were the fucking judges? Ha? Who did he have to fucking blow? Ha? Ha?
Bring ’em out here now and I’ll show the fucking crooked fuckers what I think of them. I’ll feed them their livers. I’ll give them their teeth in their hand.
Blind, stupid bastards. Fuck you and fuck your fucking awards. You can shove your fucking award up your arse. I didn’t want it anyway, and remember this!! I’ll be back!!!
I think, if this is delivered with appropriate gravitas and with proper attention to one’s appearance, it should go down quite well.