Irish Blog Awards Speech

 Posted by on February 28, 2008  Add comments
Feb 282008
 

It’s the same everywhere.  Oscars.  Baftas.  Tonys.  Irmas.

The winner gets to make a speech and the losers have to sit there listening to the smug bastard with their jaws clenched in a grinning rictus of hatred, resentment and begrudgery.

I think things should be different at the IBLAWAs.

I think every loser should get to spew out a bile-filled rant while the winner sits there trembling in fear for his life, and to help this process I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a little template. 

I’ll be keeping a copy handy for Saturday night. 

It goes like this:

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What???  What the fuck???  Where’s my fucking award you fucking fool?

What?  You gave it to this fucking cretin?  Are you fucking mad?  Are you fucking stupid?  Are you fucking blind? 

Are you fucking mad, stupid and blind? 

You gave MY award to THIS fucking moron, and you expect me to sit there and fucking take it with a fucking smile?  Listen, this prick has NO talent, NO ideas, NO sense of humour, NO personality and he can’t fucking spell.  He’s a jerk.  A fucking self-important, inflated fool.  If his dick fell off he’d have no friends left.

I know he’s useless because I spend four hours a day watching his blog to see who comments.

I have more comments than him.  I’m better looking. I’m incredibly witty and urbane and smart and well-read and this bastard is nothing but a fucking fool and he should be cut up into little pieces and fed to savage goldfish, the fucking prick!!!

Aaaaarrrrggghhhh!  May he rot in a jar of dog-paws.

Fuck that.

Who picked this fucker when it should have been me?  Hnnnhhnn?  Who?  Who were the fucking judges?  Ha?  Who did he have to fucking blow?  Ha?  Ha?

Bring ’em out here now and I’ll show the fucking crooked fuckers what I think of them.  I’ll feed them their livers.  I’ll give them their teeth in their hand.

Blind, stupid bastards.  Fuck you and fuck your fucking awards.  You can shove your fucking award up your arse.  I didn’t want it anyway, and remember this!!  I’ll be back!!!

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I think, if this is delivered with appropriate gravitas and with proper attention to one’s appearance, it should go down quite well.

  14 Responses to “Irish Blog Awards Speech”

Comments (14)
  1.  

    Oh Deary Me Bock, it could be a woman who beats you!

  2.  

    Oh, I know that Mary. I’ll just have to modify the template to suit the circumstances.

  3.  

    Do you really hate him that much Bock?

  4.  

    Grandad: It’s an all-purpose rant. Adjust it as required.

  5.  

    At least I won’t be the target ;)

    Do you have copyright on that or can I borrow it for the night?

  6.  

    It’s an open-source rant.

  7.  

    That’s a fine speech Bock! It would be a shame not to use it, so I would go ahead and use it even if you win. Just add a sentence at the end….Oh! What? I DID win …oh well …. I’d like to thank God etc etc!

  8.  

    Such prose and you’re just the orator to deliver it too.

  9.  

    Wear a turban Bock, for the cause.
    And bring a cooked swan for the Dubs, and a warm greeting from the Athay cumann for the lads above in de Dail.

    A boy da kid, best of luck, see you there.

  10.  

    I like the way the Webby Awards do it…five words maximum and then you get the hook.

  11.  

    Yes, gravitas. That’s it. Just deliver it with gravitas. And a couple of your business associates meandering menacingly through the crowd. Perfect!

  12.  

    At least I’ll know how to recognise you tomorrow night.

  13.  

    Speechless!

  14.  

    ah bock what about being a gracious loser though :) of course you’re better looking, dont say that though when you win pllleassse :)

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