Irish Blog Awards Speech
Posted on Thursday, February 28, 2008It’s the same everywhere. Oscars. Baftas. Tonys. Irmas.
The winner gets to make a speech and the losers have to sit there listening to the smug bastard with their jaws clenched in a grinning rictus of hatred, resentment and begrudgery.
I think things should be different at the IBLAWAs.
I think every loser should get to spew out a bile-filled rant while the winner sits there trembling in fear for his life, and to help this process I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a little template.
I’ll be keeping a copy handy for Saturday night.
It goes like this:
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What??? What the fuck??? Where’s my fucking award you fucking fool?
What? You gave it to this fucking cretin? Are you fucking mad? Are you fucking stupid? Are you fucking blind?
Are you fucking mad, stupid and blind?
You gave MY award to THIS fucking moron, and you expect me to sit there and fucking take it with a fucking smile? Listen, this prick has NO talent, NO ideas, NO sense of humour, NO personality and he can’t fucking spell. He’s a jerk. A fucking self-important, inflated fool. If his dick fell off he’d have no friends left.
I know he’s useless because I spend four hours a day watching his blog to see who comments.
I have more comments than him. I’m better looking. I’m incredibly witty and urbane and smart and well-read and this bastard is nothing but a fucking fool and he should be cut up into little pieces and fed to savage goldfish, the fucking prick!!!
Aaaaarrrrggghhhh! May he rot in a jar of dog-paws.
Fuck that.
Who picked this fucker when it should have been me? Hnnnhhnn? Who? Who were the fucking judges? Ha? Who did he have to fucking blow? Ha? Ha?
Bring ‘em out here now and I’ll show the fucking crooked fuckers what I think of them. I’ll feed them their livers. I’ll give them their teeth in their hand.
Blind, stupid bastards. Fuck you and fuck your fucking awards. You can shove your fucking award up your arse. I didn’t want it anyway, and remember this!! I’ll be back!!!
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I think, if this is delivered with appropriate gravitas and with proper attention to one’s appearance, it should go down quite well.
Stumble it!
February 28th, 2008
Oh Deary Me Bock, it could be a woman who beats you!
February 28th, 2008
Oh, I know that Mary. I’ll just have to modify the template to suit the circumstances.
February 28th, 2008
Do you really hate him that much Bock?
February 28th, 2008
Grandad: It’s an all-purpose rant. Adjust it as required.
February 28th, 2008
At least I won’t be the target ;)
Do you have copyright on that or can I borrow it for the night?
February 28th, 2008
It’s an open-source rant.
February 28th, 2008
That’s a fine speech Bock! It would be a shame not to use it, so I would go ahead and use it even if you win. Just add a sentence at the end….Oh! What? I DID win …oh well …. I’d like to thank God etc etc!
February 28th, 2008
Such prose and you’re just the orator to deliver it too.
February 28th, 2008
Wear a turban Bock, for the cause.
And bring a cooked swan for the Dubs, and a warm greeting from the Athay cumann for the lads above in de Dail.
A boy da kid, best of luck, see you there.
February 29th, 2008
I like the way the Webby Awards do it…five words maximum and then you get the hook.
February 29th, 2008
Yes, gravitas. That’s it. Just deliver it with gravitas. And a couple of your business associates meandering menacingly through the crowd. Perfect!
February 29th, 2008
At least I’ll know how to recognise you tomorrow night.
February 29th, 2008
Speechless!
March 1st, 2008
ah bock what about being a gracious loser though :) of course you’re better looking, dont say that though when you win pllleassse :)