What Hollywood Star Do You Want?

 Posted by on February 26, 2008  Add comments
Feb 262008

Now that we’re both media giants … , said Wrinkly Paddy.

Yeah? I grunted, looking up from the gigantic spliff I was trying to assemble.

Well, he said, they’ll want to know where it all began.

What? Where? What?

Our media domination.

Eh, what?

Well, he said. You know the way myself and Wrinkly Joe are massively successful as a speed-death-country band?

I thought you were shite.

And, he continued, oblivious to my opinions, the way you’ve become the Greatest Living Irish Blogger.

Oh God, no, I ejaculated, you can’t say that. There’s only one Greatest Living Irish Blogger. Moderate your language, man, before somebody overhears you.

Wrinkly Paddy looked suitably chastised. Sorry Bock.

We’ll let it pass this time, I barked, but don’t ever let me hear you taking the piss out of the Greatest Living Irish Blogger again. Is that clear?

Of course, grovelled Wrinkly Paddy.

So, I said. What was it you had in mind?

Paddy brightened. Well, you remember that science fiction novel we wrote?

Of course.

And those fairytales?


And all those Bloomsday performances involving loads of drink.


Well, I reckon Hollywood will want to film our life stories, now that we’re both hugely successful.

We’re not.

So, Paddy went on, ignoring me, who do you think they should hire to play the part of you?

I was stunned. What Hollywood actor should play me in my biopic?

What a hard question. Most of the suitable ones are too old.

Robert Redford.

George Clooney.

I don’t know, Paddy. This is a tough question. Let me think. Hmmm. Kevin Costner, perhaps, though he’s not that, you know, chiselled. Brad Pitt might do. I don’t know. Colin Farrell seems to be the only alternative. Or maybe Denzel Washington.

Wrinkly Paddy regarded me in silence.

All right, then. Pierce Brosnan.

Paddy continued to stare.

What? I screamed.

Paddy seemed slightly frightened.

Yeah, he shrugged. That sounds fine.

  11 Responses to “What Hollywood Star Do You Want?”

Comments (11)

    I’ll come out of retirement to play you, Bock. That’ll make me a Hollywood star.

    Everyone’s a winner. Except Pierce.


    No Daniel Craig? Daniel Day Lewis? C’mon, give us something to work with here.

    Hm. Who would play me? While I’m dreaming, Audrey Hepburn. If we’re going for saucy, I’d say….Jane Russell….If we’re going sexy, Nicole Kidman!

    Hey, I could do this all night


    I really liked those fairytales you guys wrote Bock.

    As regards your biopic; if Bertie gets fired he could always take up acting as a second career, play you, get famous, make loads of money and live happily ever after. Now there’s a fairytale ;)


    Sexy, Nicole Kidman?? about as exciting as watching paint dry. I think Myles Breen would be an excellent Bock, or maybe Denis Hopper, Mommie.


    Bock, it has to be Christopher Walken.

    Btw, I imagine that it’s not accidental, the acronym for the Greatest Living Irish Blogger?


    Conan: Heaven forbid!


    Conan beat me to it.

    How about Gabriel Byrne as runner-up? A reanimated Klaus Kinski would be my very first choice though.


    I’m with you Dev, but spaghetti western Klaus or Werner Herzog Klaus?


    Red – it’s the hair and pale skin. If she’d only freckles!

    Man, I’m slow. Glib, eh?


    Tom Hickey for you Bock. Obviously.

    Madeline Stowe for me. Just as obviously.


    Upon mature consideration, Bock…I’d say you have to go with:

    Tom Cruise

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